


Demons

by fallenangel8794



Series: Siha [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 14:20:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 40,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenangel8794/pseuds/fallenangel8794
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard finds an unlikely friend in an assassin she picks up to help with the suicide mission. Will he be the one to finally save her, or will she push him away and keep her demons to herself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Seeing Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my little corner of the ME fandom :) Thane is one of all time favorite characters and it kind of broke my heart when he died, so I created my own story where he does not. Because Commander Shepard would not just lay down and accept it if her love was ill. Feel free to share your thoughts!

Shepard, Thane and Liara sat on the shuttle approaching the Shadow Broker’s base. It was clear  
to him that Shepard and the asari were close friends. What wasn’t clear was why she was bringing him along so much. He knew he was one of the best, but not all of the missions they were doing called for his skills. She had taken to visiting him regularly in life support and he found her easy to talk to. He began to look forward to the familiar sound of her measured steps outside his door before it swished open. He found himself thinking of her when she was not around and worrying incessantly when she went out without him. She was special, unique. He just hadn’t figured out in what way as of yet and damn if he wasn’t going to.  
He was startled out of his thoughts by the view of the base. It was a grand thing. And they were going to break into it. He bowed his head and said a prayer to Amonkira and Arashu. They dismounted the shuttle and took off, the wind trying its best to throw them off the side.  
They finally reached the door inside and Liara set a shunt program to hack the lock. All they had to do was hold the position. An easy feat compared to Shepard’s normal activities. The program was just over halfway done getting the door open when all hell broke loose. A stray bit of discharge from the lightning rods hit Liara, shorting out her face mask. She couldn’t breathe outside of the ship; none of them could.  
“Cover me!” Shepard yelled to Thane. He nodded and took position.  
She hauled the asari over to the door and pulled the ruined mask off. Liara looked terrified. Shepard closed her eyes for the briefest moment, making peace with her decision. She took a deep breath and pulled her helmet off. She shoved it onto her friend’s head and attached the oxygen filters. She gave her a bleak smile before vaulting past Thane and using her biotics to toss a merc into the air. Liara took a deep breath inside Shepard’s helmet, trying to regain her bearings. She peered over the side of the ramp and watched her friend. She didn’t miss a beat. Her short auburn hair was flying around her face in the relentless wind. She reloaded her rifle and kept firing. Her usually full lips were set in a grim line, the color slowly draining from her face as her body begged for the air she could not give it. She ducked into cover, clawing at her chest and throat. Her eyes were wide with fear. Thane immediately took notice of her distress. He had assumed she had a plan when she gave up her helmet. Clearly, she did not. The change in her demeanor was worrying him; the lack of air paralyzing her. The look on her face was one that spoke volumes to him. She had lived this fear before. She staggered to the door and leaned against it. Just as she closed her eyes, it slid open behind her and she fell into the base. Thane and Liara were quick to follow. She dragged herself to her hands and knees, coughing and gasping. They were by her side, offering assistance. She waved them away, pulling herself to her feet. She swung herself behind a corner and drew her rifle in an effort to belay their concern. Neither was entirely convinced, but they followed suit. Thane watched her closely. She didn’t seem to have any negative physical affects, but her eyes were haunted.  
Thane stood just inside the door of the Shadow Broker’s main room. His Siha was speaking to her friend after taking the base. She had awakened him from his battle sleep. She was graceful and lethal and she was his, even if he had yet to tell her. But she was burdened. He hoped her old squad mate would be able to enlighten him, and if not she did have the Broker’s resources. Shepard took her leave and Thane approached the asari.  
“Hello, Thane.”  
“Hello, Liara. I have concerns about Shepard.”  
“What? Is she alright? What’s wrong?” She was distraught, thinking of her actions outside the base.  
“She is well, but troubled. I was hoping you would have advice.”  
She relaxed a bit, “She has been through a lot. She was troubled before she died. I can’t imagine that experience helped.”  
“I was hoping you had some insight, if there was anything I could do for her?”  
“I don’t know. There’s a lot she never shared with her crew. I learned more about her as an information broker than I did working with her. I know she was trying to stay professional, we weren’t exactly in the best of positions at the time.”  
“I’m afraid I know little about her past endeavors.”  
“I can send you the files I have on her, if you like.”  
“I would very much appreciate it, thank you.”  
“Thane?”  
“Yes?”  
“Take care of her. She deserves it.”  
He nodded to her and left.  
Back on the Normandy, he pulled up the files on his omni-tool. He used his discretion to avoid things she would not want him to know. She survived a slaver raid on Mindior when she was sixteen. She survived a horde of thresher maws on Akuze when her squad had died. She survived her ship crashing. She obviously had a strong will to live. She was the top ranked hand to hand specialist in the N7 program. She was the savior of the Citadel and the Council. She was the first human Specter. Overall he was impressed. He knew she was unique, these files just confirmed it. She was strong inside and out and would protect anyone. She was a fighter and stubborn. Everyone seemed drawn to her. She was a natural leader, fearless and kind. He smiled and flicked passed her psych reports. A video came up next. What he saw made his blood run cold. It was footage from the first Normandy’s crash. He watched in horror as she ushered her crew to the shuttles and ran to the pilot, the same one that was flying the ship now. He watched as a massive ship came around for another attack and sliced through her old ship, ripping it out from under her feet. He watched her free fall into the void, struggling with her suit. As her body fell still, the screen fell into flames and then static. Her reaction on the base suddenly made sense. He couldn’t move for a long time. He had just watched her die. The emotions surging through him were overwhelming. He was angry that someone had robbed the world of her presence, awed by her initial reaction to save the crew, distraught that he was powerless to save her; what struck him most was the feeling of regret at the time lost with her. He almost didn’t hear her come to his door. He stood to face her. He looked over her carefully. It was unnerving watching her die and then having her appear before him. He motioned to the table and sat across from her.  
“Are you alright?” She asked, concerned. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”  
“I’m wondering if I have.” He replied stoically. She raised an eyebrow. “You have died.”  
“I have.”  
“Yet you are here before me.”  
“I am.”  
“How?”  
She stood and turned her back to him. She studied the drive core from the window. He could tell by the set of her shoulders that his question had taken her off guard. She exhaled slowly, “It’s a long story.”  
He went over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “My time is short, Siha. But what time I have left is yours to take.”  
“What did you just call me?”  
“I’ll tell you another time.” He was rewarded by a smile, but it vanished quickly.  
“We’re going after the Collectors.” She began carefully.  
“Yes.”  
“They targeted me two years ago after I helped destroy Sovereign, a Reaper. This ship, the one we’re on now, is nothing but a copy of my old one. They shot her down, destroyed her, and took me with her. I wasn’t entirely ready to die, but I welcomed the peace it brought. Then Cerberus took it upon themselves to bring me back. No one else can do this.” She sighed heavily.  
“You seem to regret coming back.”  
“Not coming back, no. I started this and I will finish it. It didn’t feel right when I died, anyway. If anything, I’m glad to be back and fighting.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Like it wasn’t my time. I knew I had more to do, somehow, and I wasn’t going to accept death when people still depended on me.”  
“The feeling of unfinished business.”  
She nodded. “But to wake up with these people after being gone for two years, I almost wish I had stayed dead.”  
He could hear the bitterness in her voice. “Siha.”  
“I know what we’re doing needs to be done. I know I have to do it. But I don’t like the organization. I don’t trust them. I keep expecting a shot in the back.”  
“This crew is yours.”  
“I hope it stays that way.”  
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Anything.”  
“What was it like? The afterlife?”  
“Honestly, I don’t remember much,” she turned to face him. “Only feelings.”  
He was disappointed, but kept his face neutral. “Oh?”  
“I felt at peace for the first time since I was sixteen. And I was waiting for something. There was no impatience or worry or fear. Just tranquility.” He nodded and she continued, “But all I saw was darkness. Maybe they wouldn’t let me see anything because they knew I wasn’t staying. Maybe to see is an acceptance of death and I was content to wait for the impossible rather than admit I died.”  
“An interesting thought,” he said, surprised by her statement. “If I may?”  
“Of course.”  
“I wasn’t aware you held any religious beliefs. When you said ‘they’ who were you referring to?”  
“Whoever is responsible for the galaxy. Someone created it. I’m just not sure what to believe. My parents were Catholics. Ash was Christian. The hanar believe in the Enkindlers. The turians have spirits, the asari a goddess. You have your own gods.” She shrugged, “I’m not sure what to believe anymore, just that there is something to believe in.”  
“Is that why you fight? For answers?”  
“Sometimes, but not all answers are worth fighting for.”  
“Which are those?”  
“I’ll tell you that when you tell me what ‘Siha’ means.”  
“Very well,” he smiled. She smiled back, this one banishing some of the darkness from her iridescent eyes. She reached for his hand and squeezed it before leaving.


	2. Ardat-Yakshi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samara's Loyalty mission. Oh fun!

Shepard thought about what she had said to the assassin. She had never been so candid with anyone, not even her best friends. It was comforting to her to finally air out some of her feelings. She rubbed the back of her neck, wondering if maybe she had said too much and overstepped her bounds with him. He had certainly opened up more after she helped him with his son. She shook her head. Now was not the time for idle thoughts. There was too much to do. She checked in with Kelly Chambers and went to see the Justicar. She wasn’t surprised that most of her crew had come to her asking to take care of unfinished business. This mission was beyond what most of them had done before and it was nerve racking. Samara was the last to call on her and she was more than happy take the time for her. She had a deep respect for her and her way of life. She understood that by asking for her help, Samara was showing her a deep trust. She set a course for Omega. At least this one promised to be more fun.

She brought Thane with her as usual. They went to Aria and got the address of the Ardat-Yakshi’s latest victim. Thane was surprised by Shepard’s sudden gesture to comfort the grieving mother. He knew she would want to help, but hadn’t expected her to reach out and physically comfort the woman. He watched her curiously. She had demons of her own that lurked in the shadows in her eyes and heart, but she was quick to help anyone that needed a bit of light to chase their own demons away. She continued to fascinate him each day with these little things he observed about her. She may dwell in darkness, but she herself was made of light. He would have to speak with her again soon. He had much to say.

“Well, it looks like I’m going shopping.” Her words startled him from his thoughts.

“Is now the best time?” He asked, confused.

“I need something to wear tonight. My fatigues aren’t exactly club attire. I have to look the part.”

He followed her out without another word. His gut twisted in anxiety. It was a feeling he knew all too well, one that was often accompanied by nothing good. He quickened his pace and kept a keen eye out as they made their way around the markets until she found what she was looking for. His behavior was not lost on the Justicar. When Shepard disappeared into a disgusting public restroom to change, she confronted him.

“You are expecting trouble.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yes.” He answered shortly.

“I am, as well. Something does not feel right.”

“I agree.”

“I would welcome you’re assistance in keeping her safe tonight.”

“I am yours to command.” They nodded to each other as Shepard emerged. Thane bit his tongue to keep his jaw from hitting the floor. She was in a skin tight black strapless dress. It was short, to put it mildly. It had a slit in the left side that went almost to her hip, letting any that cared to look know that she was missing her panties. She was wearing black knee high boots and a necklace with a red gem in the center. Her hair was in its usual state, short and slightly messy but it further enhanced the look. She had applied smoky eye shadow that gave her color-changing eyes a dangerous gleam. Her full lips were painted a glossy red to match her necklace. She folded her arms around herself, seeming self-conscious.

“Shepard, I think you look perfect.” Samara said.

“You think this will work?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then we should go. I keep getting funny looks standing here.”

Thane barely contained a chuckle. She thought she was getting _funny_ looks. The looks she was getting were those of a carnal hunger and longing from everyone who laid eyes on her. She was stunning and seemed oblivious to it all. He watched her practice walking in the three-inch heels. She started out unsteady, but picked it up quickly. The sway of her hips was enticing. He was going to have a hard time keeping whatever memory she created for him tonight locked away. He swallowed the lump in his throat. This was not going to go well at all. He helped her into the rented sky-car before climbing in after her. Samara was already in the driver’s seat.

“I will pull over a short distance from the club. Thane and I will make ourselves scarce while still being close. You will go in the front and lure Morinth out.”

“Right. I can do that.” Shepard silently worked her confidence up and prepared her mind for the fight she knew was coming.

Samara parked the car. The trio filed out silently. With a nod, they each took off in a different direction. Shepard walked calmly, head held high and hips swinging. As she got closer, she could feel the bass in the ground. She paused for a moment, remembering dancing to music like this on Mindior with her best friends, just days before the slavers hit. She focused on the way she had let the music move her all those years ago. The song changed and she glided forward, letting the pulse pull her on.

Thane followed behind and to the left of her. She fell into the rhythm of the music with ease. When she neared the door, everyone noticed. She radiated dangerous power. She let her hair fall into her face as she looked up and smiled mysteriously at the bouncer. He inclined his head and moved to let her pass. As soon as the door closed, Thane ran. He knew of a back way into the building and moved as quickly as he could to it. He slipped inside. He made his way to the main room, finding the darkest corner with the best view. He found her gracefully draped over a young man on a bar stool, laughing. His hand wandered over her body paying such special attention to the exposed areas that it made Thane want to shoot him as he caressed the skin left bare by the slit in her dress. A krogan a few chairs over rumbled for her to keep it down. She sauntered over to him and challenged him to a drinking contest.

“Ha, okay human. What’s your poison?” He barked at her.

She flipped her hair out of her face and grabbed his glass, “Whatever you’re having, tough guy.” She knocked back the liquid and Thane’s heart skipped a beat. The krogan was drinking ryncol.

“That’ll tear your insides all to hell.” He huffed.

“Is that so?” She motioned for the bartender to refill the glass. She gulped it down in one mouthful. “I don’t feel anything. Are you sure this isn’t just badly flavored water?”

The krogan snatched his glass back, “Damn humans. I’m just trying to relax.” She grinned wickedly at him before turning to the dance floor. She weaved through the crowd of people and made her way to the middle of the floor. She stood for a moment with her eyes closed. Thane watched her closely. What he couldn’t see was her breathing deepen as she relaxed and lost herself to the music. She started swaying and then picked up the beat and let her body follow. He was riveted. She moved with fluid grace that rivaled what she displayed on the battle field. Her hands traced lines across her body and into the air, transfixing any who dared to watch. The area around her began to clear as people made way for temptress in their midst. She was the center of attention, her eyes locking with a select few in the crowd. One by one they took a turn dancing with her until the song ended. She let her hair cover one of her eyes as the next song picked up. She was staring at someone. With an effort, Thane followed her gaze. The asari brought his full focus crashing back. She was a youthful version of Samara. The crowd parted to let her pass. She and Shepard started an odd display where they danced around one another, nearly touching and then parting again. The song built in intensity until they were dancing pressed together, hands exploring the others body. Morinth led them off the floor with a small crowd following. She pulled Shepard into the dark booth directly next to Thane. If he was noticed, neither gave any indication. The onlookers stepped back when Morinth waved her hand dismissively.

“So, you a fan of krogans?”

“What makes you say that?” Shepard answered playfully.

“You downed that ryncol pretty good.”

“I can hold my liquor better than most. Glad to see someone like you took notice of me.”

“Some nights I come here and there’s no one interesting. Other nights, there’s one. Tonight, that’s you.” The asari answered, leaning closer.

Shepard responded by sliding herself into the asari’s lap. “You find me interesting? I’ve never had that word used to describe me.” She lightly ran her fingers across Morinth’s neck.

“Do most people assume you’re dangerous?” She closed her eyes and turned the commander so she was straddling her.

“You could say that.”

“Let’s get out of here. I want you alone. My apartment isn’t far from here. I’ll drive.” She pulled her out of the booth and toward the door. Shepard followed slowly, her body moving sensuously through the shadows. She was going to make this killer work for it tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share your thoughts!


	3. It's the Shoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now we take care of Morinth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always wondered why your LI never flipped shit when you did certain things, like seduce an Ardat-Yakshi, break into a dinner party of a dangerously powerful man, or 'birth' a tank bred krogan....

Morinth was sprawled on the couch, watching Shepard meander around the apartment. This human was interesting. She showed no fear and clearly loved being challenged. It would be quite a task to find another as vibrant as this woman. She was strong, but there was something dark about her. Morinth grinned when she sat next to her.

“So, you travel.”

“I’ve seen things no one else has,” Shepard said.

“Care to share?”

“I unleashed the rachni on the galaxy.”

“And why would you do that?”

“Why not do it?” The human countered. “I’m sure someone like you has seen a few interesting things.”

“A few.”

Shepard draped her leg over Morinth’s. “Tell me about them. Put me in the mood.” Morinth couldn’t resist. She pushed Shepard down onto the couch and pinned her there. Quick to react, the human bucked the asari off. “I’m not the submissive type.”

“All the more fun.”

Shepard could feel the Ardat-Yakshi’s influence working away at her will to fight. Samara clearly had not exaggerated the creature’s skills. She knew she had to stay focused or it would be too late. She did the only thing she could think of. “Subdue me. Make me submit,” Shepard challenged.

Morinth tingled with anticipation. She had done well to bring this girl home with her. She tried to grab her with biotics, but the commander was ready. She deflected it easily. She threw one of her special attacks back, but just missed the asari. They danced around like this for a few more minutes before it was clear that this was getting them nowhere. Morinth lunged at Shepard, throwing her into the wall. She hit hard, head spinning. She brought a leg up and planted it firmly on her attacker’s chest, succeeding in breaking free. She wondered desperately where her team was. She couldn’t keep this up forever; she could feel her implants straining to keep up. Shepard leapt at her, aiming to pin her to the table. The asari moved at the last second causing the commander to slam into the table with all the momentum she had built up. She used it to flip the piece of furniture and throw it at Morinth. It connected and threw her back. She jumped on her when she threw the table aside. Shepard had her, she was almost sure of it. Then Morinth surprised her by pulling her closer, looking deeply into her eyes.

“Tell me you love me. Tell me you’d kill for me.” Her blue eyes went black and Shepard couldn’t look away.

_Siha . . ._

She took a deep breath and locked part of her mind away, the part that held love and trust and purpose. The rest, the darkness and death and despair, she opened to the asari. She felt the killer force her way in. By the time she realized what had happened, she was lost in the pain. Tears started slipping from the commander’s eyes as she relived Mindior as if it had just happened, Akuze like she was just getting pulled from the dust, the crash like she was dying all over again. She let the dark feelings consume her and Morinth. She felt Morinth try to escape, but held her tighter. It was her turn to know pain.

“I’m too good for you, Morinth.” She choked out through her tears.

_Siha!_

She could hear something, someone. It was out of place in all the grief. It was warm and inviting and safe. Her first instinct was to pull away. Safety is a lie. But the warmth drew her closer. She always hated the cold and her death in the freezing void of space hadn’t done anything to help with that. The warmth flooded her senses and pulled her back to the apartment. She was staring up into dark eyes, but not the lifeless black eyes of the Ardat-Yakshi.

Thane had dropped into the apartment as Morinth had tried to take Shepard from the world. He had called out to her, hoping to remind her of the mission, but it had fallen on deaf ears. He reached for her, but Samara had stopped him. If he pulled her away now they would risk losing her anyway. The bond had been made; it was up to her to break it. They watched in horror as Shepard’s eyes went from their normal silver to black, mirroring Morinth’s. Tears began to fall down her face. What happened next shocked them even more; Morinth was trying to escape Shepard, not the other way around. Shepard held her in place, growling out _I’m too good for you, Morinth._

“Siha!” Thane called louder, trying to rescue her. She let Morinth go and fell back. He caught her and pulled her away from Morinth as Samara went over to her disoriented daughter. He wiped the tears from her cheek and her eyes fluttered open. They faded from black to grey and she sat up, looking to the battle blooming between mother and daughter. She tried to stand but felt her legs give out before she really put weight on them. She settled for a crouch, ready to help her crew mate if needed. Thane alternated watching her and the fight. He was not about to let her throw herself back into harm’s way in her weakened state. He underestimated the commander. When the fight deadlocked, she leapt at Morinth with blinding speed and twisted her arm back, cutting off her biotic display. Samara wasted no time in ending her life. Shepard stood too quickly. She wavered on her feet before Thane took her arm, chastising himself for not stopping her.

“Take pity on a broken old warrior and let us leave this place,” Samara said, trying to hide her sadness.

Shepard nodded; understanding now was not the time to talk. “Let’s go.”

Thane would not let go of Shepard’s arm. Her skin was an unusual ashen color and she was having trouble walking correctly.

“It’s the shoes.” She said defensively. He had merely nodded without letting go. By the time they returned to the Normandy, he had his arm around her waist, supporting a good deal of her weight. She pulled away from him when they entered the ship, unwilling to be seen as weak by her crew. Samara went ahead of them to the elevator. Joker snapped a few quick pictures before he noticed how ill she looked.

“Whoa, Commander. Are you okay?”

“Fine, Joker, it’s the shoes. And my head is spinning a little. Or is the ship?” She quipped.

“No, the ship isn’t moving.”

“Oh, good. I was worried for a second.” She smiled dismissively and walked away. She focused intently on the task, setting one foot directly in front of the other to keep herself moving in a straight line. What she failed to notice was how it made her hips sway in a decisively sexy manner. Even in this state she was strong and beautiful. Thane felt something surge in his chest, something he had not felt in years. He followed protectively behind her, watching the looks her attire, and swagger, were earning from the crew. He kept his gaze respectfully on her shoulders, where he noticed a deep bruise was beginning to form. His brow creased with worry. He wondered what other injuries her scant clothing was managing to conceal. He followed her into the elevator, intending to see her to her room safely. He was surprised when she hit the button, not for her private floor, but the crew deck. As soon as the doors slid closed, she closed her eyes tightly and leaned against the wall.

“Has it always been so damn bright in this ship?” She groaned.

“I don’t believe the lighting has changed.”

She harrumphed in response and put her head in her hands. He fought with himself about what to do. She was obviously not well, but she appeared to be making her rounds to speak with the crew anyway. He didn’t think she’d last much longer before crumpling to the ground. When the doors hissed open, she picked herself up and strode out.

_Left, right, left, right. Oh shit. Of course everyone would be in the mess right now. Of course._ She held her head high and walked past them, Thane still on her heels. She surprised him again by making a beeline for the med bay. Was she worse off than he thought?

“Dim the lights, would you, Doc?” She said in a strained voice.

The doctor compiled before turning to look at the commander. “To what do I owe this pleasure? And why are wearing _that_?”

“Went head to head with an Ardat-Yakshi. My brain feels like it’s going to explode. Got anything for that? And, I went clubbing.”

“I’m guessing those two statements are related somehow.”

“You know me well. If it’s all the same, I would rather play medical twenty questions after I sleep for a good ten hours. I’m beat.”

The doctor chuckled and passed her something for the pain. “You, sleep? Since when?”

“Since my brain got scrambled like an egg.” Both women laughed.

“Very well. Come see me first thing in the morning. Don’t make me hunt you down.”

“I won’t.” She wavered on her feet again.

“Are you sure you can make it to your room?”

“If my shadow is willing to lend an arm, I think I’ll make it just fine.” She smiled at Thane.

“Of course.” He offered his arm and she leaned on it gratefully.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Doc. Thanks.”

She just smiled and watched them leave. She noticed the way they looked at each other and hoped the best for them, despite the circumstances. 


	4. No Longer Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for bed, Shepard.

Shepard let him haul most of her weight and felt awful for it. Here was this dying man dragging her sorry ass to bed when he needed rest himself. She managed to walk just as gracefully to the elevator as she had when she left it, but when the doors closed she fell against him with her body trembling. He held her up, enjoying the closeness even as worry clawed at his chest. She reached down and tugged off her shoes, wiggling her toes against the cool metal floor. When she straightened up, her face went a shade paler, something he hadn’t thought possible. He scooped her up into his arms and carried her into her cabin. She didn’t protest this time. Her cabin was spacious and immaculate. She had an aquarium complete with fish. A small hamster squeaked when he passed it. He made his way to the couch, unsure if her bed was appropriate. He sat, still holding her trembling form. He expected her to push away and make an excuse for her moment of vulnerability, as was her way. Instead, she hid her face in his chest trying to escape the light that had become blinding to her. Neither were sure how long they stayed like that, only that she eventually fell still, her breathing steady. He smiled down at her. She trusted him enough to fall asleep with him.

Well, not quite.

She looked up at him through hooded eyes. “Thank you, Thane.” She reached her hand up and cupped the side of his face. He smiled and rested his head in her hand.

She finally pulled away, standing slowly. She was steady on her feet now. He watched her thoughtfully. She went to the fish tank and fed the creatures. Without another word, she disappeared into the bathroom. He wasn’t sure if he should stay or go. She hadn’t said either way; his head said to leave, but his heart said to stay. He sighed and stalled by looking around her room. There were few personal effects outside of her armor locker. There was the strange artifact they had recovered from the Prothean ruin on the table and a face down picture frame on the desk. She had a collection of model ships and books, both paperback and digital. He snuck a look at the picture. A dark haired human male started back at him. He wondered at the significance. Thane replaced the picture and turned toward the door. There was nothing else he could do, aside from browse her personal terminal and that was crossing a hard line in their friendship and work relationship. The sound of running water ceased behind the door. He quickly stepped away; suddenly the fish tank was very fascinating.

\--------------------

Letting the shower wash away the grime and makeup, her thoughts swirled around her still aching head. At least the pain had subsided to a manageable level. She scrubbed her skin and hair in an effort to scrub the memories and pain from her soul. She remembered his voice cutting through the agony and pulling her out, saving her from her worst enemy. He had intrigued her from the moment she had found him on Illium; little did she know how her feelings would blossom. She almost laughed at the comedy of it all. Everyone she had met over the years, all the guys that had pursued her, not to mention the ones she chased, and she falls for the one person in the galaxy that would have the easiest time ending her life. The great Commander Shepard, first human Specter, survivor against all odds, she who came back from the dead, taken down by her crush. What a headline that would make, killed by bad judgment. But instinctively she knew he would never do it. No amount of money could cause him to end her life. If he had wanted to, tonight would have been the best opportunity to. He had been nothing but gentle with her in her defenseless state. She turned the water off and reached for the towel. She rubbed herself dry and pulled on her more conservative sleepwear, which consisted of black exercise capris and lose half shirt that left her stomach bare. She cringed at her reflection. With the makeup all but gone, her eyes looked hollow, her skin pale. There were bruises starting to form on the bridge of her nose and in the corners of her eyes. In short, she looked like hell. She turned away and left the small room, not at all surprised to see him admiring the fish.

He looked away from them just long enough to see the discoloration of her face. “Siha.”

“I’m fine.” She smiled wearily.

“Your skin says otherwise.”

“It’ll be gone by tomorrow.” She walked past him to the couch and motioned for him to follow. They both sat facing the other. “Feel up for talking?”

“Always.”

“What happened on Omega . . . I was more of a monster than Morinth.” She stated suddenly.

“How can you say that? You were there helping a friend.”

“I took her punishment into my own hands. I forced her experience things no one should ever go through and, honestly, I’m glad I did.”

“But they were things you’ve seen.”

“Yes.”

“And you believe no one should experience those things, the very things that are part of you?”

“I was a colony kid.” She avoided the question, “Born on earth and moved to Mindior before I was aware of anything. It was so beautiful. I had a wonderful time growing up there. We always had something to do, us kids. There was a group of us, four boys and four girls. We were always together. A few days before the attack, we went out dancing for Audrey’s birthday. We got home so late, we were all grounded until further notice. I’ve always hated being confined; I snuck out after three days. I didn’t really have any idea what I was going to do, but anything was better than being locked up. I just wandered for over an hour, eventually walking to the edge of the settlement. I sat in the grass and just enjoyed the wind against my skin, the feeling of being _free_. That’s when I saw the gunship. It was flying too low. It flew to the opposite side of the colony. I ran back to town. I had to warn them. But it was too late. That was the third one to arrive. There were fires and screams and an awful smell in the air. I ran back home, I knew where my dad kept his guns. By the time I got there the front yard was burning. I ran inside and the bastards had my mother. My dad was already gone. That thing was trying to get her clothes off, trying to violate her. I ran at him and just started hitting him as hard as I could. For a skinny thing, I was strong. He let her go to fight me off. He ended up winning and he had the most grotesque smile on his face until his head exploded. My mom handed my enough fire power for a small squad of soldiers. She told me to go, find people and help them. So I did. But it wasn’t enough. There were just too many of them. That was the first time I was shot. The pain was so intense, all I could do was lay there and watch them take my whole world. I was saved all those years ago and I still ask myself why.” He knew she was from Mindior and he knew about the batarians attacking. Still he was shocked to hear it from her. When he didn’t respond, she continued, “I had a brother, older. He was deployed when the attack hit. He died on Torfan under the command of some ruthless jackass. I also,” here she stopped. Whatever she was trying to say was causing her great pain, almost to the point it was physical. Thane reached for her hand and she took his, squeezing it hard. “I also had a sister. A twin. Vesta Lito Shepard, the Hero of Elysium. She was named after the Roman goddess of home and the Greek goddess of the war cry. My mother was really into mythology.”

“Siha, I am so sorry for all the pain. I wish I could take it away.” He had never meant anything more than those words.

“She was a hero to so many only to be gunned down by a junkie when she was on shore leave for her medal. She didn’t even have the damn thing on her. Why would she? I felt it like I was the one shot, right in the back. She laid there choking on her own damn blood while he searched her.” She broke down, sobbing quietly to herself. His heart broke for her. How could one person stand that much loss and still be strong? Still so willing to help others who had given her no reason to go out of her way? Logic be damned, he pulled her back into his arms. She clung to him with every ounce of strength she had left. He had to do something to pull her away from these demons.

“Siha, tell me about the ancient gods and goddess. Tell me about your name sake. Tell me about your brother’s.”

She took a moment to compose herself. “I- I don’t remember much. Only the names of us kids.”

“So tell me what you know.” He stroked her short hair.

“My b-brother’s name was Pan. He was the Greek god of shepherds and huntsmen. His middle name was Dionysus. He was the Greek god that could shape shift. My brother usually went by ‘Dion’. He wasn’t a fan of his name. I know some guys in his unit started calling him Pan D. It really got on his nerves at first, but the last message I got from him said that he was warming up to it. I was always really close with him. I looked up to him.”

“There was a god that could shape shift?” He asked softly, trying to keep her away from her overwhelming grief.

“Yeah, apparently he thought it all quite amusing. He messed with mortals every chance he got. My brother lacked the same frivolity.”

“Tell me about your name, Siha.”

“If I tell you, I expect to know what that nickname means.”

“Siha is a warrior-angel of the goddess Arashu. Fierce in wrath, a tenacious protector.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No, why?”

“My middle name is Dia.” She spoke slowly, “It is the name of the Celtic gods of protection, warriors, fire and healing, among other things.” His hold on her tightened. That could not be a coincidence.

“Other things?”

“The name was often associated with magic, knowledge, reincarnation, the sun and the arts.”

“That is . . . interesting. What does your first name mean?”

“My first name, Ceres, is the Roman goddess of earth.”

“They had a goddess for the planet they lived on?” He asked, more to keep silence at bay and risk losing her to her grief again.

“Well, not exactly. It was more the substance of it than the actual planet. It’s hard to explain. It more referred to the ground and sea and sky. She was the goddess of the known world, responsible for keeping it alive and in a constant state of growth.”

“Fitting.”

“In a disturbing kind of way.” They sat in silence for a long moment. She eventually pulled away and stood in front of the fish tank. She wrapped her arms around herself, her body sagging, and said, “Why me, Thane?”

The question hung in the air between them. He wished he had an answer to ease her turmoil.

“Why did she die and I was spared? I’ve been given so many chances. Why?”

“Time will tell, Siha.”

“This might be one of those answers worth fighting for.”

“I believe so.”

“But there are some things that I wish I never knew.”

He took a moment to answer, “Do you wish to talk about it?”

“I don’t- I don’t know.”

He left the couch and stood next to her. He couldn’t see her expression clearly in the dim light of the fish tank. Did her eyes look blue? No, has to be the light.

“My dad worked a lot, a bit like Tali’s. But he made the most of it when he was home. He called me ‘Siri’. It was short for Sirona, goddess of healing and health. That’s what he wanted my name to be, but Mom won out, just like she won out with Vesta’s. He always said that it fit me better, that I could heal a person’s soul just by being in the same room.” She hissed out a bitter laugh. “I can’t even fix the broken mess mine is in.”

He saw her father’s point as realization dawned on him. “That’s why you go out of your way to help others.”

She turned to face him.

“You feel powerless to help yourself. You hope you’ll find answers somewhere by helping someone else.”

“Why can’t it be that I’m just a nice person?” Her usual sarcasm returning served to ease his growing worry. “And why does it keep coming back to finding answers?”

“Maybe ‘answers’ wasn’t the word I was looking for.”

“I know what you’re trying to say. That’s part of it, I can’t deny it.” She left the aquarium and flopped back onto her bed. Exhaustion radiated from her.

“You should rest, Siha.”

She sighed heavily, “Yeah.”

He nodded to her and turned to leave. He stopped short when he noticed her sit up. She pulled herself off the bed and made her way back to him. She wasn’t about to let him leave without at least saying ‘thank you’. He looked at her, confused.

“What, can’t I walk my guest to the door?”

“Your eyes.”

“What about them?”

“They haven’t always been blue.”

That statement earned him a smile. “So, you noticed. It’s one of my less forgiving attributes. Have you ever heard the expression ‘wear your heart on your sleeve’?”

“Yes.”

“Well, in my case it’s my eyes. The stronger the emotion I feel, the more it shows.”

“Always blue?”

“No, different feelings manifest as different colors. Since you have already noticed it once, I’ll leave it up to you to see it again.” The smile now crinkled the corners of her eyes. He allowed his expression to soften. Even battered and exhausted, she was beautiful. She took his hand in hers and they walked to the elevator. She hugged him tightly. It caught him off guard but he returned the embrace before disappearing into the elevator. She gave a small wave as the doors closed before she went back to her room.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Shepard?”

“Can you have Dr. Chakwas and Mordin come up to my quarters tomorrow?”

“Of course, Shepard.”

“Thank you.”

“Logging you out.”

_He may have accepted his death, but I will not. Not when there’s still time._

 --------------------

On the way to his quarters, Thane thought about their conversation. He couldn’t get past how much the woman had been through, and she hadn’t even mentioned Akuze. It was shocking. Many others would have given themselves to the sea after what she had described, yet she stood before the galaxy as the lone protector of civilization. No, she wasn’t alone now and she never would be; not as long as he still drew breadth. He was humbled by what she made him feel. He hadn’t known he was capable of such intense sentiments. Was this punishment for his past, that the gods would bring their paths together only to force them apart again? And what of her, how much more pain could they let her endure? How much more could she before it was just too much? It would never be too much, he realized. As long as someone needed her to be strong, she would be no matter what was behind the wall she so carefully constructed. She was not deserving of it any more so than he was deserving of her. Yet the facts stood as they were, cold and uncaring. Maybe the gods had a bigger plan in motion. Surely they were not so cruel. Thane knew he could not expect the gods to act on his behalf. Mordin was brilliant. If anyone could change fate, the salarian could. He sent the professor a message requesting to speak at the earliest convenience.  He lay on his small cot, the day’s events finally draining his strength. His last thought before drifting off to sleep was that she had never answered any of his questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon the trip into mythology. Random, but fun. For me at least. Has a point later. Thanks for reading!


	5. Great Officer, Better Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a bridge chapter

“What you’re suggesting is possible, yes. But at what cost, Commander?”

“One I’m willing to pay.”

“Obviously. There isn’t a price you’re not will to pay.” The doctor said shortly. “As is evidence by your current condition.”

Shepard grimaced. The bruises on her face had darkened and spread over night. Her head still felt like it was going to burst if she breathed too deeply and she was aware of a dull ache in her shoulder. When she inquired about it, the doctor had identified a bruise, but no serious damage. She could only imagine at what point she had gotten it. “Well, I wasn’t planning on doing it in my present condition.”

“Would have to run tests, take samples.” Mordin said thoughtfully.

“I’m available anytime, Professor.”

“Yes. Should be fun. When do we start?”

Dr. Chakwas shook her head. “Not until I clear her for that.”

“Let me know. Look forward to it.”

“Does he know what you’re trying to do?” The doctor asked after a minute.

“Good question.”

The older woman sighed, “Have you told him?”

“No, I haven’t. But I think he assumes I’ll try something.”

“Can understand. Says he’s at peace with death. Noticed a change recently, though.”

“What kind of change?” Shepard asked, suddenly very concerned.

“Asked if I had recommendation for therapy that could improve lung condition.”

“It would seem you’ve done it again, Commander.”

“What?” Shepard crossed her arms over her chest.

“Have noticed as well. Positive influence. Crew happier, relaxed. Great officer, better friend. Glad to be a part of it.” Mordin smiled.

“Uh, thanks, Mordin.” She was now very uncomfortable. The professor had a habit of stating facts in such an unbiased way that it often caught her off guard. Not to mention she thought he was being generous regardless of how he said it.

Dr. Chakwas just laughed. She knew how the younger woman felt about complements and praise. “Well, Commander, if you’ve made up your mind about this like I know you have, you have some work to do.”

“Don’t I always?”

“I’ve forwarded you a list of things to be done on a daily basis, no excuses. I will monitor your progress and we will go from there. I don’t want you to start this until you’ve recovered from your most recent exploits, though.”

“We don’t have much time, Doc. I’d prefer to start sooner rather than later.”

“And risk prolonging your current injuries?” She said incredulously.

“A necessary risk.” Shepard replied evenly.

The doctor huffed in frustration. “There’s no convincing you is there?”

“You know better,” her patient grinned.

“Fine, do it your way. But you know my recommendation.” With that, she turned and left. Mordin gave a final smile and followed her out.

Shepard sighed to herself. One more thing on an already impossibly long to-do list. At least her crew was taken care of, which meant she was running out of things to do before going to the “derelict” Reaper. She raked her fingers through her hair and set about getting dressed. She applied a generous amount of cover-up to her discolored face and was satisfied to see she could still apply cosmetics with some skill. You wouldn’t even know they were there. She tugged on fatigues and flopped into the desk chair to check her messages.

 --------------------

“That woman is impossible!” Dr. Chakwas griped to Mordin as they left the elevator on the crew deck.

“Stubborn nature has proved useful in past.”

“At least her sister was selectively stubborn, bless her.” She sighed heavily. The two walked by Thane without taking notice of the drell. He had been fixing himself a cup of tea when their conversation caught his attention.

“Sister?” Mordin asked.

“Yes, she had a twin, years ago.” The doctor answered sadly. “I met her after Elysium.”

“Didn’t know. Makes sense, now.”

“She took it hard when they found her dead. Those two were damn near inseparable if they were in the same star system. Imagine my shock when both of them wandered into the medical bay together for the first time. I wouldn’t be surprised if we are headed to the Citadel soon. Shepard never misses visiting the memorial at the same time every year.”

Thane stopped listening. He made a second cup of tea and disappeared into the elevator. The conversation he overheard piqued his interest, but what sparked his worry was seeing both medical professionals coming from his Siha’s room.

 --------------------

He stepped off the elevator into the silence that was her space. A sudden thought stopped him. What if she wasn’t in a place for visitors? _Well, I am already here._ He approached the door and it slid open. She was engrossed in her message terminal.

“If that’s my favorite tea, I owe you.” She said without turning around.

“Did you sleep well, Siha?”

“Nope.” She closed the terminal and stood. “Did you?”

“Well enough.” He couldn’t mask his concern over her casual attitude towards her lack of sleep.

She turned and took the steaming mug he offered. She brought it close to her face and inhaled deeply, a smile brightening her face. “What’s that look for?”

“You need rest to recover, Siha.” He almost couldn’t see the discoloration of the bruises. She had done well in concealing them, but he had built a career on being more observant than most. Her eyes were again grey, if with a slight blue hue around the black iris.

“You sound like Dr. Chakwas. Did she send you up here?”

“No, I wanted to make sure you were well.”

“Well enough,” she mimicked him.

He couldn’t help but smile. “I hope you’re going to take it easy?”

“If going all the way back to the Citadel and mining every planet between here and there is taking it easy, then yes I am.”

“You never rest, do you?” He sighed.

“I was dead for two years. I’m making up for lost time.” She dropped herself on the couch and kicked her feet up on the table.

“I don’t believe you have anything to make up for.” He sat next to her and angled himself so he could look at her.

“It’s only because I’m a council Specter that I haven’t been arrested and tried for treason.”

He nodded, conceding the point.

She sipped her tea. “Besides, they all think I’m mad as a hatter the way I carry on about the Reapers.”

A small smile pulled the corners of his mouth up. They sat in comfortable silence for a time. She had a far-away look on her face as she stared at the fish. She chewed on her bottom lip, a habit he noticed her indulge when something weighed on her mind.

“What is on your mind, Siha?”

“Am I getting that easy to read?”

“Were you trying to hide it?”

She gave him a lopsided smile. “Not really.” He hid his own smile behind the rim of his mug. He found himself smiling more these days. She set her own mug on the table and spoke, “About last night, I’m sorry for the way I acted. It was unprofessional and I overstepped my bounds.”

“I disagree. You may be a fierce warrior-angel, but you are still bound as a mortal. Your body needs a break, as does your mind. I am happy to help however I can.”

“I’ve survived death once. I think I’ve learned my limits. But thanks for reminding me people care.”

\--------------------

Several dozen planets later, they docked on the Citadel. She gave the crew forty eight standard hours of leave. They needed it, and if she felt like being honest, so did she. Everyone went their separate ways when they docked. Shepard watched Thane melt away into the crowd before heading to the shops. She knew where he was going; it was the same place he always went when they stopped here. Bailey always gave him and his son time together by sending the young drell on his lunch or giving him an extra break. She would do more than send the man a Christmas card.

Shepard finished her shopping quicker than she thought she would. She couldn’t really go back to the ship so early; Joker would send her away again with some last minute request that he couldn’t get himself. She had one more stop to make, but it was too early for that too. She didn’t like going when there were crowds of people. Over the years, she had figured out the best times to go to avoid them. She walked back to where she had started and then halfway back the other way when the light on the lake caught her eye. She found a bench and sat to admire the view. She was lost in thought when she felt someone sit next to her.

“You have been here a while,” the gravelly voice said.

“Yeah.” It didn’t surprise as much as it should have that he knew she was here and how long she had been staring at the water.

“Do you need anything?”

“No, thank you.”

They sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Thane leaned back and stretched his arm across the back of the bench. She leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder. He laid his cheek on the top of her head. There they stayed for a few long minutes.

“When did we turn into this?” She asked softly.

“Turn into what?”

She gestured, indicating their position. “This,” she stressed the word.

“Somewhere between Illium and here.” He replied, trying his hand at her sarcasm.

“Smart ass.” He could hear the smile in her voice.

“I learned from the best.”

“Garrus?”

He chuckled softly and they returned to silence, content to watch the water spread out in front of them. An alarm on her omni-tool went off. She sighed and gently shook him off and stood.

“If you’ve got time, you’re welcome to come with.” She strode off. He followed quickly.

“Where?”

She gave no answer, only kept walking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you're enjoying it!


	6. A Flower For Your Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bit of fluff and back story

Thane kept pace with her, intrigued. She stopped by a florist and got a bouquet of flowers that were unfamiliar to him, aside from the two roses. She left the florist and took him to a part of the Citadel he had never had cause to visit. It’s the Alliance memorial garden, full of flora native to Earth. There were small meditation pools and fountains scattered throughout, along with large leafy trees. They made their way to a polished stone six feet tall that said _Akuze_ and the dates across the top. Underneath was a list of names of the soldiers who had lost their lives to the thresher maws. With each name was a rank, birthday and the time they served. Shepard stopped here first. There was a lone candle that someone had attached to the smooth surface. She pulled a lighter out of a pocket and lit it. She stared at the flame for a long minute, seeming lost in it. She brought a hand up to the stone and traced the letters on it before walking away. Thane took a moment to look at it more closely. The candle had been placed next to her name, though there were no dates listed. Underneath it was a short message:

_To any who visit this memorial, I want you to know that these men and women fought bravely and with honor. I have never been more proud to serve with a more gifted group of wonderful people. It is with a heavy heart that I was left to mourn them and write these words in their tribute. Nothing I can say will change anything, but know that they did not die in vain and they are still looking out for you. Be at peace._

He blinked and looked over to Shepard, who had walked on ahead of him. The words she had left carved in the stone spoke volumes about her. It was a side of her he had not yet seen and it touched something deep in his soul. He silently stepped up behind her. They were in front of the memorial for Torfan. It was made of the same polished stone as the last one. It was missing the candle and note from the commanding officer, who had made it out alive. The fact that those were her own personal touches further showed him how deeply the loss had affected her. It was something she kept carefully locked away to remain functional, but she had to acknowledge it at some point or risk getting lost in the past. This was how she chose to keep sane. She ran her fingers over the third name from the top. A holo of her brother flickered to life. His hair was lighter than hers, cut close to his head. He was clean shaven and his eyes shone green. Thane could easily see the family resemblance in the shape of the nose and smile. She pulled a bright yellow flower from the bunch in her hand.

“It’s a sunflower. It shows adoration for another.” She placed it at the base of the monument. She sighed and stared at the holo of her older brother. A small, sad smile formed on her lips as the picture winked out. She stood for another moment looking at the rest of the names before she walked deeper into the garden. The memorial for Mindior was smaller than those for the soldiers. It, too, was made of polished stone, but it only came to three feet in height. It stretched the length of a grassy area, names of those lost listed on both sides. Shepard walked around it slowly, letting her fingers drag across the smooth surface. Her eyes touched each name as she made her way to the other side. She stopped and knelt down pulling a pink rose and an iris out of the bunch. She twisted the stems together and set them against the wall. She traced two names and a holo came to life.

_In loving memory of Diana and William Shepard._ A wedding picture faded into view. Thane looked from it to Shepard. They were clearly her parents. A soft song started to play and she leaned back against the polished stone.

“ _Heart beats fast, colors and promises, how to be brave? How can I love when I’m afraid to fall? But watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow_.” She sang along. Clearly, it was a song she heard often. The melody continued and she glanced at Thane, “This was their song. We would come home sometimes and they would have it playing and they would dance. We would watch them sometimes. They loved each other so much.” She picked up the two intertwined flowers again. “My mother loved pink roses. They were a sign of admiration. I always leave an iris for my dad. It is the flower of inspiration. It’s because of him that my sister and I did the things we did.” She closed her eyes after replacing the flowers. She sang softly as the song continued, her voice full of pain. He wasn’t really listening to the words. He was lost in her voice. It was beautiful. The song came to an end and the picture faded away. She stayed there for a minute longer before allowing him to help her to her feet. She went farther down the low wall, still paying careful attention to each name she passed. On the far end of the memorial she stopped again. She swallowed hard before tracing another message, _Friends forever. Gone, but not forgotten._

A holo flickered to life. Thane had to do a double take. It was a group of eight teenagers, standing in an odd staggered line. Shepard and her sister were in the front. He nearly couldn’t tell which was her. They had the same smile, same eyes, and same nose. The one on the left had hair that hung in auburn waves down to her waist. She was wearing a short skirt with stilettos and a tight tank top. The one on the right had short, bouncy hair that didn’t quite make it to her shoulders. She was wearing skin tight pants with knee high boots and a halter top. He looked closer at both girls’ eyes. He was looking for the dark edge that was ever present in his Siha’s. Neither girl had it. He reminded himself that she was only sixteen and was still innocent; she had yet to survive everything, including death. He idly wondered when the dark edge had appeared there. Was it after watching her home burn on Mindior or after hearing her team burn with thresher maw acid on Akuze, or was it a remnant of death still following her today? He looked to the others in the holo. Names and dates under each figure identified them. The twin with long hair was leaning into a boy behind her. Tall, light hair and dark eyes. He had his face partially hidden in her hair and his arms around her. _Vesta, April 11, 2154-June 23, 2177. Matt, January 4, 2154-May 27, 2170._ The other twin had a shaggy haired boy leaning on her shoulder, a pose typically reserved for close friends. _Ceres, April 11, 2154-. Eric, December 30, 2154-May 16, 2170._ Behind him was small girl with wavy golden hair. She was trying to hide from the camera, but the muscular boy behind her was holding her to the side so she was still in the picture. _Carrie, April 20, 2154- Declared missing on July 1, 2170. David, November 29, 2153- Declared missing on July 1, 2170._ On the other side, a skinny boy with spiky hair was holding a dark skinned girl on his back. _Benny, August 1, 2154-Declared missing on July 1, 2170; Found dead February 13_ , _2174\. Audrey, May 13, 2154-May 28, 2170._

“Beautiful, wasn’t she?” Shepard said softly.

“Yes.” He agreed, thinking he much preferred the short hair over the long.

“She was so vain about her hair. She almost never cut it.”

He paused before asking, “May I?”

“You hardly need to ask.”

“Why is there a different flower for each person?”

“They are unique. They deserve more than some meaningless bouquet. It’s something Vesta and I started, just like the holos keyed to touch.”

“I see. And why one for those who have only been declared missing?”

“After a certain amount of time, the Alliance considers them dead. I still hope, but . . . I bring them flowers because even if they are alive somewhere, they won’t be the same kids that were taken that day. That and no one gets left out of our group.” She offered a half smile. Thane nodded his understanding. She disentangled an orchid from the bunch and held it up like a toast to the dark skinned girl, “For Audrey, an orchid for her delicate beauty.” She laid it on the stone and drew out another, “An amaryllis for Benny, a tribute to his more dramatic side.” She placed it next to the orchid. She paused, her shoulders stiff. “A daisy for Eric. He was always so innocent.” She brought it to her nose and inhaled the scent before letting it fall from her long fingers. She passed over both her and her sister, moving to the boy holding Vesta. “For David, the only man who made my sister smile, a magnolia. He was quiet and dignified, perfect for balancing her.” She set it with the others, not looking up. “Carrie was so small and shy. A sweet pea, the flower of shyness. And finally, a daffodil for David. For all the muscle, he was chivalrous and kind.” She laid both down, looking up at the holo. Thane noticed the blue tint creeping into her eyes. He reached for her hand and squeezed it. She returned the gesture before pulling her hand away.

“Commander Shepard?”

She turned to woman with graying hair. “Yes?”

“My name is Marna Philips. My son, Daniel, was on Akuze with you.”

“Yes, I remember him. He got put in the squad fresh out of training. He was so nervous, he nearly tripped over himself getting on the ship. He was a smart man, always full of new ideas.”

“I noticed the candle. I hope I’m not interrupting?” She glanced at Thane.

“Not at all. I always have time for you.” The commander gave her a heart-warming smile. “Why don’t we sit and talk?”

“I would like that.”

Shepard led them to a bench beside a small pool under the shade of a tree. Thane followed and stood off to the side while the women talked. Yet again, his Siha surprised him. She had come here to indulge her grief and pay her respects and she stopped what she was doing to speak for over an hour with a lost squad mate’s mother. She did what she could to ease the older woman’s pain while pushing her own to the side. The women’s conversation changed topics and he found himself listening in.

“I always put off coming to see you. And then when the news said you died, I regretted it. I’m glad I got the chance.” Marna said.

“As am I.”

“I went to the memorial service, you know. It was beautiful. I never knew you lost your family. I left flowers for them when I came for my son.”

“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”

“It was least I could do after what you did for our family. They really wanted people to believe you died. They even put up a nice memorial for you.”

“Oh really? I’ll have to see how good they did. I hope they showed my good side.” Shepard smiled.

“I think I’ve taken enough of your time, Commander. Thank you again.” Marna stood to leave. Shepard stood and gave her a quick hug. Thane stepped into the vacated space when the woman took her leave.

“There’s a memorial for you?”

“I was afraid of that. I would rather avoid it, if it’s all the same to you.” She sighed heavily.

“It is your choice, Siha. I am merely following.”

She walked away from the bench and he followed a step behind her. She went past the memorial for Mindior. There was a statue near the middle of garden. She stopped suddenly, causing him to bump into her back. She grabbed his hand hard, the color draining from her face. Vesta stood proud and tall, rendered in stone. Her hair was piled on her head in a messy bun and she was smiling a challenge, her arms folded over her chest. Next to her, in freshly carved stone was her identical twin. They wore matching N7 armor, facial expressions and postures. The only marked differences were that Vesta was leaning to her right and Ceres was leaning to her left, and Ceres’ short hair. She fought to remain standing. Thane put an arm around her waist to support her.

“Siha.”

“Oh god. Why? Why would they do this?” Her voice was quiet and strained. She pulled away from him and took a few shaky steps forward. He moved to catch her when her legs gave out and she crumpled to the ground. He knelt next to her as her shock faded to dismay. Now she couldn’t pretend that it never happened. There was a seven foot stone testament to her death and everyone could see it, _had_ seen it. Now she couldn’t hide behind the lies that she was under cover or just MIA. They had all but buried her body. She balled her hands into fists in the grass. _I’m here for her, not for me._ She pulled herself to her feet and squared her shoulders. Thane stayed in the grass and watched her stalk to her sister’s memorial. He drew himself up and followed her.

“I miss you, V.” He heard her say to the statue. She sighed gustily when it offered no answer. She placed a lily at the base of the monument, “Lilies were her favorite, meant for beauty and purity.” She traced lines in the stone. He expected another holo to appear but none did. She stared listlessly at the statue. He wanted to offer words of solace when he saw the lifeless hollow of her eyes. Instead she broke the silence,

“I will not harken to the stars,

That seem to be both near and far.

I will not feel sand between my toes,

But I shall tread where no one goes.

I will not fall to pain and strife,

No matter what befalls my life.

I will not give myself the sea,

For I know there is more that I can be.

I will not let me envy you,

But I will miss your nature true.

Without your spirit in my heart,

I know many things will fall apart.

I ask for strength of soul and mind,

Just enough so that I may find

A light in the darkness that I know

Will lead me back to where trees grow.

I will not follow you too soon,

I know you have shot the moon.

I will not harken to the stars,

Though I know that’s where you are.”

A single tear fell. It was not like the ones she had shed in her cabin when he held her after their mission on Omega. Those were the frenzied tears caused by the sharing of grief. This one, this lone drop sliding down her face was a world of anguish and loss contained in a miniscule bead of moisture. Thane was so moved by her words, by the messages in the rhyme that he bowed his head and remained silent. There were no words that could compare to what she was feeling. They stayed there in silence, her hunched on the statue’s base and him standing with his head bowed. When she finally moved, he looked up. She had one flower left and he dreaded what was coming next. She crossed the brief space to her own memorial. She looked it over with distain. Shepard brought the last flower, a black rose, to her face. A strange look ghosted across her features, somewhere between pain and disbelief and anger. She spoke and her voice came out quite and bitter,

“My grave is empty and forlorn

For from its depths I was torn

To walk the earth again anew

With ancient enemies to pursue

Love and life have been lost

And my skin hued blue with frost

Yet again I stand before thee

On the wrong side of the sea

I beg earnestly to let me rest

To end the ache in my chest

I long to feel the warmth once more

And be at peace on a distant shore.”

 With a flick of her wrist, the black flower fell at the base of the statue and Shepard turned on her heel and left. Thane stared after her. She extinguished the candle she lit on the way in and disappeared around the corner. He thought about following her and remembered the look on her face. He had seen that look before and what came of it and figured it best to let her cool off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it!


	7. Sister, Daughter, Friend, Leader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting into Shepard's back story.

Thane turned back to the twin statues. The base of Vesta’s was inscribed with a short message:

_In memory of Lieutenant Vesta Lito Shepard, Hero of Elysium March 15, 2176_

_Sister, Daughter, Friend, Leader_

_April 11, 2154-June 23, 2177_

She was so young. Only twenty three years old when her life was taken out of the world. If she was anything like her sister, the universe is a darker place without her. Thane bowed to the statue and said a prayer to Kalihira for her soul’s safety. He turned his attention to the newer memorial for his Siha. It was done beautifully, with careful attention given to the details. The sculptor even got the slope of her nose correct. He knelt in the grass and read the inscription on the base:

_In memory of Commander Ceres Dia Shepard, Savior of the Citadel September 3, 2183_

_Sister, Daughter, Friend, Leader_

_April 11, 2154-December 13, 2183_

He couldn’t even imagine what it must be like to know death, feel your body dying, knowing your last breath was passing through your lungs and then to wake up alive, two years later. He suppressed the urge to shudder. He remembered the lifeless look in her eyes when she talked about it. Anyone else would have turned around and put a bullet through their head, but not her. She stood in front of everyone as their only line of defense. She really was a Siha.

It was a few hours into the night cycle when Thane returned to the ship. He was surprised to see Joker still in the cockpit.

“Hey, Thane. Thank god someone sober finally showed up.”

“Hello. Why?”

“The Commander came back pissed as hell a couple of hours ago. I might need someone to chill her out if she gets out of control again. Usually it was Garrus, but he still hasn’t come back.”

“Out of control?”

“Yeah, sometimes she over does it in the combat sims.”

“Noted.” Thane bowed and left. He checked the on-board gym and found it empty. He made a quick trip around the ship and found that most of the crew was still away and the ones that were back were in a deep, alcohol induced sleep. Shepard appeared to be in her cabin. He returned to Life Support to meditate on the day’s events.

After two hours, Thane couldn’t calm his mind enough to sleep. He began to feel restless. He paced his small room for a few minutes before exiting and walking the ship. He made his way up to the CIC. He thought about checking to see if Mordin was in his lab, but thought better of it. He had pestered the salarian enough recently. He gazed at the galaxy map, letting his mind wander. An earsplitting scream shattered the silence. Thane pulled himself into the ventilation shafts before it ended. It had come from above him. There was only one person it could have been.

\-------------------

_“Ceres Dia, you better still be in there, young lady!”_

_“Yeah, yeah, I’m still here. Where else would I be?”_

_“Sneaking off, like I know you do,” my mother sighs as she opens the door to my room._

_“Well, I’m here this time.”_

_“I know you. If you’re going out, please try to be back before your father gets home from work. He’s not as forgiving as I am.”_

_“Right. Why are you acting like you know I’m going somewhere?”_

_“Because I know you, dear.”_

_I smile at her. She does know me well. “I was planning on staying in tonight, but if you insist, I guess I could find somewhere else to be . . .”_

_“Don’t change your plans on my behalf.”_

_“How’s Vesta? Still mad?”_

_“No, she’s cooled off quite a bit. I thought it was a mistake when you and Pan got her that punching bag for Christmas, but now I’m not so sure.”_

_“Well, since you wouldn’t let me spar with her anymore, it was only a matter of time before she got into real trouble with her temper.” I roll my eyes._

_“It’s not right for you girls to fight like that. Anyway, I just wanted to check on you. Love you.”_

_“Love you too, Mom.” We share another smile and she closes the door. I sigh and lean back, looking at the galaxy map I painted on my ceiling almost two years ago. I find it calming. But not calming enough to make me want to stay in my room. Since my mom already expected me to go out, why not? I still have hours before Dad will be home. I pull on my shoes and swing myself out of the window. I make the drop with practiced ease and take off at a dead run until I round the corner of our street. I slow to a walk. The colony is too crowded for me. I take the long way through it until I get to the edge. I break out in a run again and keep going until the sounds and smells of civilization are far behind me. I stop and throw myself down into the grass. It feels cool and prickles my bare skin. I can’t help but smile. I love being outside, being free. The quite is refreshing. I look into the bright sky and wonder what space flight is like. I decide that I will find out as soon as I am old enough. To be free to roam the endless black sea of stars, oh it would be wonderful! Wait, what is that? A gunship? I sit up quickly. It’s heading to the far side of the colony. I have to warn them. Maybe I can get them out here. The trees can hide a lot of people, I think as I take off again. I run faster than I ever have before. I need to tell them, get them out. I make it to the first rows of buildings and skid to a halt. There is smoke billowing into the air and people are panicked. I grab the first person I see._

_“Go out this way, it’s safe. Run!” I shake the man lightly, hoping he understands. He nods and takes off. I usher others that direction and more begin to follow. A batarian comes out of an ally. He aims his gun at a group of stragglers. I tackle him quickly and toss his gun away. We struggle on the ground. I finally get a solid hit that knocks him out cold. I run back out to see a steady stream of people leaving the settlement. I run the opposite direction. A familiar figure leaning against a building makes me stop._

_“Dad!” I can see the blood on his uniform._

_“Ceres go home. Get Diana and Vesta and hide somewhere.” He grips my shoulder hard._

_“No, Dad. I don’t hide.”_

_“Ceres please. I need to know you will be safe.”_

_“The batarians are only coming from one side. The other is clear. I’ve told people to start heading to the forest. Go with them. V and Mom will find you there.”_

_“What about you?”_

_“I’m going to make sure as many people as possible get out of here alive.”_

_“Ceres!” He shouts after me, trying to say something. I am too far away to hear it over the other noise. As I round the next corner I chance a look back. He is lost in the crowd. I continue pushing toward home, directing people as I go. I see Eric running towards me. Almost as soon as I see him, his chest erupts in blood and gore. He falls to his knees and I scream. I grab him and fall to the ground holding him. He is already dead. Tears burn my eyes. I have to leave him; I have to go. I can still save others. I lay him gently down, saying a silent prayer to whoever is listening. I pull myself up and run without stopping to the house. The front yard is burning and windows are broken. I barge in the front door. There is a group of three batarians in the living room. Two are standing back and one is holding my mother down. I sneak behind them to the kitchen. I grab two knives from the set and rush back into the other room. One falls quickly, the blade buried to the hilt in his back. The other drops as I slide the blade across his throat. The animal holding Mom still hasn’t noticed me. I land a solid hit to the side of his face. I keep hitting him, forcing him to let her go. He turns fully to me and subdues me. He brings his face close to mine and smiles._

_“I’m going to enjoy breaking you, sweetheart.”_

_“Good fucking luck!” I spit in his face._

_He growls and then his head explodes, raining blood and bits of gore all over me. I scream and fight to get away from him. He is still laughing, it is surrounding me. I scream again, louder, trying to drown it out. My throat is raw._

Still screaming, Shepard bolted upright in bed. Her breathing was coming out in ragged gasps. She felt bile rising in her throat and ran to the bathroom, knocking a glass of the table. She heard it shatter on the floor as the bathroom door swished shut and she heaved into the toilet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and the kudos! Means a lot!


	8. I'll Change Fate For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learn about Shep's family

Thane dropped into the corner of her room. A quick survey showed the room in disarray. The sheets were torn off the bed, pillows across the room and a broken glass on the floor. Shepard was nowhere to be seen. The only other place she could be was the bathroom; the door leading out of the cabin was still locked. He was at the bathroom door in record time. The door opened without a sound. Shepard was curled into a corner, one leg folded around the other and resting on the floor, one leg up providing a solid surface for her to rest her head against. Her arms were crossed around her head, keeping it hidden. The smell of stomach acid and bile was still lingering in the air. He took a half step forward. She brought her head up enough that he could see her eyes over her arms. He recognized the deadpan look. It was the same one he had worn for ten years. Her eyes slid closed and her head fell back down. He crossed the small room and crouched in front of her.

“Siha, are you well?”

She didn’t answer him; her body remained folded into the corner. He was mildly surprised that she could fit her long frame into such a small space. She was more flexible than he thought. He slowly reached for her and placed his hand on her shoulder. She looked up again, a flicker of something passing behind her eyes.

“Siha?”

Shepard started to stand. He balanced himself and helped her to her feet. She gently removed his hands from her body and walked slowly to the sink. She grabbed her toothbrush and started viciously scrubbing her mouth. Thane stood behind her in his military pose, waiting for her to acknowledge his presence. When she finished, she turned to face him, her eyes blank. She folded her arms over her chest and starred at him.

“I heard a scream. Are you well, Siha?”

“Fine. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Her voice was devoid of emotion.

“I was already awake. I couldn’t sleep.” He took a step towards her, “You do not seem like you are fine.”

“Just a nightmare.”

“Shepard.”

She blinked slowly. “What?”

“Are you awake?”

“Of course. Why would you ask me that?” She was thoroughly confused. Was he implying that she was still dreaming? Or was she missing something? _Am I awake? I’m sure as hell not still sleeping. Wait . . ._ “ _You have woken me from my battle sleep, Siha.”_

“Are you sure?” He pressed. She tilted her head to the side. She looked to the tile floor of the bathroom. He watched her think about what he had said. It was at that moment that he realized she wasn’t wearing pants. She had on a baggy black long sleeved cashmere shirt that hung off one shoulder. She absently pushed it back up. Besides the shirt, she was wearing a pair of black panties and nothing else. He was distracted by her long, toned legs. His eyes snapped back up to her face when she took a step towards him.

“No, I’m not sure,” she whispered. She gently took one of his hands in hers and traced lines from the tips of his fingers down to his wrist. She dropped his hand and her fingers lightly followed the black markings on his head and neck. Her touch lit a fire on his skin. He fought the urge to pull her close and kiss her. Shepard turned away again her fingers now tracing the pale lines left of the scars that hid her cybernetic implants. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, her hands still on her face. In one fluid movement she turned back to him, stepped close and pressed her lips against his. The action caught him completely by surprise. She pulled back before he could properly return the gesture. She smiled at him, her eyes taking on a lavender tint.

“Are you well?” He sputtered.

“I most certainly am. And now I am definitely awake.” She left the bathroom. He stared after her until the bathroom door started to close. He slipped out and followed her down the stairs. She picked up the pillows and tossed them back on the bed. She moved to straighten the sheets and yelped.

“What?” Thane was by her side in an instant. She shoved him back roughly.

“Broken glass. Shit it stings.” She limped back a step before his arms wrapped around her and lifter her bridal style.

“I am wearing shoes.” He pointed out.

“Of course you are.” She rolled her eyes and he set her on the couch. “There’s medi-gel and tweezers in the bathroom.” He nodded and disappeared. He reappeared just as quickly. “Damn.”

“What?”

“Fast and quiet. I almost didn’t hear you.”

“Almost?”

“Cybernetic hearing.” She grinned at him.

“Ah. Then I will have to be better in the future.”

“Yes you will.” She took the tweezers from him and worked the glass out of her foot. He gathered the rest of the shards of glass and threw them away.  He started making her bed, which earned him a look.

“Can I not help my injured commanding officer?”

“Injured? It’s barely a scratch.”

“Compared to your usual activities, yes, I guess digging a one-inch piece of glass out of your foot would be just a scratch.” He continued pulling the sheet back on the bed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You lead a dangerous life, Siha.”

“I can’t deny that. Why don’t you relax with me for a bit?”

“You relax?” He teased.

“I try to. Helps to have someone forcing me, though.”

“Then how is it considered relaxing?”

“Humor me.” She patted the spot next to her.

“As you wish.” He took the seat she offered. Shepard immediately curled into his shoulder. He stiffened in surprise before gaining control of himself and draping his arm around her.

“For the best assassin in the galaxy, you sure are easy to catch off guard. That’s twice in ten minutes I’ve managed it.”

“Then allow me to return the favor,” he swung her into his lap and kissed her properly. She fell into the kiss easily. Thane wound his arms around her waist as she shifted her position so she was straddling him. He was overly aware of her bare legs on either side of his. He held tightly to what little self-control he still had. Shepard was ruining him.

Shepard broke the kiss, her lips still close to his, “Good try, Krios. But you’re going to have to do better if you want to surprise me.”

“Mmm, I’ll keep that in mind.” He closed the distance between their lips again. Her fingers ghosted across the sensitive red folds of his neck and his grip on her tightened. He felt her smile against his lips. Damn the woman. She was driving him crazy and enjoying it.

“Commander?”

Shepard slowly pulled her lips away from Thane, resting her forehead against his, “Yes, EDI?”

“Mordin would like to see you.”

“Send him up, and unlock the door please.”

“Yes, Commander. Logging you out.”

She gave Thane another light kiss before sliding off of him. He watched her run her fingers through her hair and riffle through a drawer. She pulled out a pair of shorts and tugged them on. They were barely visible under the long shirt. Her eyes were now violet. _Blue for sad, purple for joy? Passion?_ He marveled at the way she moved. Her armor masked the grace she held. He was still watching her when she sat next to him and drew her knees to her chest and her arms around her shins.

“Thanks for coming to check on me.”

“I am relieved you are unharmed.”

She sighed contently, “Yeah.”

The door to her room swished open. “Good news, Shepard. Ah, Thane, hello.”

“You figured it out?” Her eyes grew wide. There could only be one reason that Mordin would insist on seeing her at such an odd hour.

Mordin took a deep breath, “Yes.”

“That’s wonderful! What do I need to do? What do you need?”

“It is a temporary solution, meant to buy time.”

“Doesn’t matter, Mordin. It’s _something_.”

Thane was lost in the conversation. “Something?” He finally asked.

Mordin smiled at him, “New treatment. Need healthy lung sample, drell blood, need time, but will work. Temporary solution needs antibodies. Sample from unaffected person.”

“Done. Let’s do it.”

“Will be painful, Shepard. Advanced skin and muscle weave makes you immune to local anesthetic, Miranda warns against sedatives,” the salarian cautioned.

“You say that you expect me to care.”

“You’ve developed a _cure_ for Kepral’s Syndrome?” Thane was dumbstruck.

“Not yet, will take time. Only a temporary solution ready now.”

Shepard rested her hand on his. He looked to her, back to Mordin and then to her again. “You asked him to do this?”

“Yes. I know you said you were at peace with it. Then you started talking to your son again and he made me promise-”

“You talk with Kolyat?”

“Yes, a little. He sent me a message thanking me for keeping him out of jail and asked about what we were doing. I told him what little I could. He expressed concern for you and the nature of our mission. I promised him I would bring you back to him alive. He wants more time with you so badly, Thane. I hope I haven’t crossed a line . . .”

“You have already done so much for me, Siha. I knew you would try, but to hear that something has come of it . . . I wish I could offer you something.”

“You have given me more than you think.”

Thane could not for the life of him figure out what she meant. Instead of pressing the issue, he turned his focus to Mordin’s earlier comment, “How will it be painful for Ceres?”

Mordin tilted his head marginally at the use of Shepard’s first name. “She is the tissue donor. Will need a lung sample. Cerberus modifications will make numbing the incision site impossible. Also, will have to use more force to get to lung.”

“You can’t.” His tone was forceful.

“I will.”

“I will not do anything to cause you pain.”

“It’s worth it for me. I knew before Mordin came up with this. I knew there would be complications because of my modifications. It didn’t matter then and doesn’t now.” He was struck by the sincerity of her words. He couldn’t speak. Shepard turned to Mordin, “So, when do you need it?”

“Will prep after breakfast. Should be ready by dinner.”

“And Doctor Chakwas?”

“Already informed, supportive. Will be there during procedure. Advises rest prior.”

“How will it work?”

“Take healthy tissue, adapt immunity for drell physiology, synthesize into breathable treatment. Cure more complicated.”

“Right. I’ll be ready. Thank you, Mordin. I owe you.”

“My pleasure, Shepard. Happy to help.” He smiled again and turned to leave. He paused by the desk and put two small containers of what appeared to be lotion. Before she could ask, he was gone.

Shepard and Thane sat in silence for a few minutes after he left. Finally, Thane couldn’t take it. He stood and paced. She remained on the couch, watching him. It was a few more minutes before he spoke, “What have I given you, Siha? What have I done to earn this?”

She stood and placed a hand on his shoulder to stop his pacing, a sign that what she was going to say was important. “All I’ve known is death since I was sixteen. I watched my home get ransacked and my best friends killed. I have buried my entire family. I lost my squad to a bunch of scientists experimenting with thresher maws. I, myself, have died. I have been powerless to help so many people in my life, not because of anything I have done wrong, but because it’s always been out of my control. And then I found myself at the front of a galactic war that no one wants to admit is coming and I have to find some way of stopping it, or at the very least convincing people to prepare. I couldn’t save my squad from a worm, but they trust me with every life in the galaxy? I have experienced every extreme emotion since I got thrown into this, except one.”

“Which one?” His voice was soft and laced with emotion. He wouldn’t face her.

“Trust. I have lived my life of keeping people at arm’s length and keeping my past as mine. I don’t share my thoughts very well. And then I met you. You awakened something in me I have never felt before. I’ve built a career on being guarded and strong for everyone. I forgot what it felt like to _feel_. The only things that registered with me were physical pain, suspicion, anger and rarely hope. Then you appeared that day on Illium and turned my whole life upside down. I’ve told you things that my closest friends don’t know. You have seen me cry and have broken into my room without getting shot. You have swept me off my feet, literally and figuratively. Call me selfish, but after what you did for me on Omega, I realized I couldn’t live without you. I’ve changed fate before and I’ll do it again. For you.”

He finally turned to face her. “Omega?”

“With Morinth. I let her into my past, let her meet my demons and forced her to experience everything. When she finally broke the bond, I couldn’t find my way back out. You called to me. It was that bit of warmth and light in the cold darkness that I used to come back. It was you.” He could do nothing but stare at her. What she was saying was staggering him. When he offered no response, she continued, “You asked once why I thought no one should experience the very things that are a part of me. My past is my own, no one else’s. I reacted to it the only way I knew how. There are others from Mindior that can’t function without a heavy dose of happy pills. I met a girl who was six when the slavers took her. She called herself an animal, thought she deserved it. I did what I could to help her. When I was hunting Saren, I found someone from my squad on Akuze. He was taken by the thresher maws and the scientists experimented on him. He went on a personal vendetta to kill them all. I caught up with him and returned him to a doctor’s care, but he was a very disturbed man. Given, he was brutally used by the scientists, but what got him worse than that was thinking he was the only one left. I buried my hero and my other half. I have been lucky enough to make it out of all of this with some semblance of sanity. Most others would have killed themselves after Vesta’s death. But I couldn’t. I kept fighting, just like I defied death to keep going. No one else should ever go through all the pain because no one else was meant to. We are shaped by what we experience and my life has built me up and led me here. No one else could be here because no one else was meant to be.”

He took her hands firmly in his own. If there were words to express how deeply she had touched him, he couldn’t find them. He stared into her eyes, trying to impart what he was feeling through his gaze. She took a half step closer to him. Thane cupped the back of her head in his hand and brought their lips together again. He kept his eyes open, getting lost in hers. His heart skipped a beat when she stared back through the kiss. They broke apart and she wrapped her arms around him, her head coming to rest against his shoulder. He held her close. His mind was spinning as he started to process what Mordin had said. He found himself in uncharted territory. Since he had been diagnosed with the disease, he had never dared to _hope_. But standing in her room, held in her arms that was exactly what he was doing. He hadn’t dared to think he would ever have more of a future. This woman, this Siha, had given him a reason to live again, to hope . . . to love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Shepard would totally pull something like this. Thanks for reading.


	9. Faith, Hope and Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's quirks and Thane's thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all are enjoying this! :) And in case you didn't know, Bioware owns the entire ME universe. I just warp it to suit my needs.

“The doctor said to rest, Siha.”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t think I’ll be able to now.”

He looked down at her, “Why not?”

“A lot on my mind.”

“Are you worried for tomorrow?”

“The exact opposite, actually. I’m excited for it. Are you worried?”

“Only for you.”

“I will be fine. I always am.”

“It is because of me that you are putting yourself through what sounds to be a significant amount of pain.”

“Once again, you say that like I should care.”

“Because you should.”

“It means nothing to me compared to what it will accomplish.” He was once again struck speechless by her. He tried to turn away from her; he didn’t deserve her. She lightly caught his face with her fingers, “Hey, don’t dwell on it, love. It’s not important. What’s important is the time we have now. Let’s not waste it.”

“Yes, you are right. I will leave you to rest, then, Siha.”

“No, don’t go. Please.”

“You wish for me to stay?”

“Yes. After that nightmare, I don’t like to be alone.”

“You’ve had it before?”

“Yeah, but not for many years. It always leaves me shaken. Damn batarian.”

He raised a brow ridge, “Batarian?”

“Mindior.”

“I see.”

“Yeah, let’s not revisit it. So you’ll stay with me tonight?”

“If that is what you want, Siha.”

“Loosen up a bit, Thane. I don’t bite. Much.”

He couldn’t stop the smile her teasing brought. He opened his mouth to respond and instead a laugh broke free. Once he started, he couldn’t stop. He brought his hand to his face, covering his eyes first then moving it to his mouth. He could feel his chest tightening from lack of air, but he still couldn’t control himself. He doubled over holding his sides.

“Oh shit, I broke him!” Shepard was laughing now. This made him laugh harder. They laughed together, lost in the moment. Shepard finally regained some composure, “Come on, breathe, Thane.” She was breathless and beaming.

He took as deep of breaths as he could without inducing a coughing fit. He straightened up, “Is this what it feels like?”

“What?”

“Hope. Blind hope that there’s a way to make something better.”

Shepard laughed again, “Pretty much, yeah.”

“Gods, it feels good.”

“Yeah, the let down from it doesn’t though.”

Thane picked her up and spun her around, “I could care less right now.” She giggled-Commander Shepard actually _giggled_. He set her lightly back on the ground, “Is this what you fight for?”

“Hope? Yes, that’s part of it.”

“What else, Siha?”

“Faith and love.”

“Why faith, hope and love?”

“Those are what people need to see a fight through. Faith, something to believe in, be it the cause you’re fighting for or something else. Hope that you’re making a difference and that it’s all worth it. Love, well, you fight for it, to find it, to protect it, to come home to it.”

“They seem intertwined.”

“They often are. Fighting for those reminds me of what’s important, keeps me who I am. And, I guess, leads to answers every now and then.”

“You are a remarkable person, Siha.”

“A remarkable person who is still afraid of nightmares.”

“Everyone needs a weakness.”

“I think I have more than one.” Her voice was soft as she looked into his eyes. He stared back as her meaning sunk in.

 “Siha-”

“Don’t. The more we search for words, the fewer we find. I’ve exhausted my voice tonight. Let’s just be here together.”

“Mine is well rested after years of limited use.”

“Have something to say?”

“If you want to listen.”

“Always.” She pulled him to the bed. He offered little resistance. Thane leaned back into the pillows. Shepard leapt over him, landing with a bounce next to him. He raised a brow ridge. “What?”

“Was that necessary?”

“Don’t you ever do anything spontaneous?”

“I am an assassin. Doing so could compromise my mission.”

“And what mission would that be?”

“Tonight? I don’t believe I have any pressing concerns.”

“Good. They would have to wait.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. Tonight you are mine.”

“I am always yours, Siha.”

She smiled and fell gracefully into his arms. He caught her and pulled her close. She curled into him, fitting perfectly against his drellish frame. “Tell me about you.”

“What do you wish to know?”

“Anything.”

He ran his fingers through her short hair and told her of his training. He started at age six and his first kill had been laid out as a test six years later; he had no idea the rounds were live. He told her of his teacher and his hanar family, his parents and friends before and after starting the training. He kept talking until her breathing slowed and her body relaxed. She was asleep. He continued playing with her hair. He was secretly fascinated by it. He had never really thought about it before befriending her. To him, it was just another alien feature, like the turian frill or the asari crest. When he joined her crew and began to grow fond of her, he often found himself wondering about the auburn locks that hung loose around her face. They moved easily and were flexible. Shepard’s was soft, like silk. He twirled it around his finger, careful not to pull too hard. He had watched the consequences of that at many a bar fight and knew it was painful. He marveled at the contrast of the light brown-red color against his green scales. She was so alien to him in so many ways, yet as familiar as his own breathing. It was disconcerting when he really thought about it. The way they just fell together and fit, like missing pieces of a puzzle, stronger for their bond, was comforting to him on a level he had never felt before, not even with his beloved departed. This human woman had the rare ability to draw out the best in people and confront them with their own potential and then give them the means to reach it. Thane let the tendril of hair slip from his finger. He thought about what had led him here. With startling clarity, he realized that every mistake he ever made, every life he had ever taken, every action he’d preformed had been preparing him for this, whatever _this_ was. Her words echoed in his head: _No one else should ever go through all the pain because no one else was meant to. We are shaped by what we experience and my life has built me up and led me here. No one else could be here because no one else was meant to be._ He looked down to the woman sleeping in his arms. His entire world boiled down to her. He cared for nothing if she was not there. This was a dangerous attraction he was forming given both their work and the mission they were on, but it mattered little to him. What did matter was that she was pressed against him, sound asleep, and she was his.

 --------------------

Thane woke slowly, bathed in the blue light from the fish tank. He shifted slightly, searching for Shepard’s presence next to him. She was gone. He sat up quickly. The room was still dark and there was soft, wordless music playing. He could feel her in the room, he just couldn’t see her. Slowly, a pair of long, toned legs rose in front of him. He blinked rapidly. Why were her legs in the air? They stayed poised like that for a long minute before they slowly disappeared again. He shimmied his way to the edge of the bed and peered over. She was bracing her forearms on the mat she had laid out. She gradually brought her body up and bent at an entirely unnatural angle to bring her feet to a stop just inches above her head. She held the position for an eternity before lowing herself back down. If she noticed him watching, she didn’t comment. She continued to fold and unfold her body in ways he didn’t think the human fame was meant to move, sometimes standing, sometimes sitting, and sometimes laying down. She finally came to rest in a more natural position.

“It’s called yoga.” She informed him.

“I see. I was unaware humans could bend in so many ways.”

“Most of us can’t. It’s a unique ability.” Shepard smiled and stood. She was in nothing but tight, short shorts and a sports bra. He had never seen her so bare and the images she had just left him with made his red neck ridges darken in embarrassment and desire. He kept his eyes down until he schooled his emotions. He noticed black script on her right foot. He studied it. She was gathering the mat and rolling it, so he couldn’t get a clear view of what it said.

“Siha, what is on your foot?”

She pause and looked down, “Oh, my tattoo. I got it years ago.”

“What purpose does it serve?”

She sat next to him. “It’s a reminder. When things get tough, humans have a saying ‘keep your chin up’. It’s generally used when someone is going through a hard time emotionally. It means to stay strong and keep looking forward. I got my ideals tattooed on my foot to remind me what I’m fighting for when I feel like I can’t keep my chin up.” She traced it thoughtfully. “A cross was the symbol for my parents’ religion, that’s why it’s next to _faith_. I put a star next to _hope_ because I thought it fit there. And of course, a heart next to _love_. I added the N7 emblem later because I needed one more and everyone was getting it tattooed somewhere after graduation.”

He examined it closer. It was done in black inked flowing script. The cross, _faith_ , a star, _hope_ , a heart, _love_ , N7. It was in a line starting at the curve where ankle met foot and trailed down to just before her toes. He found it very fitting for her. “I like it.”

She smiled, “Not many people know I have it.”

“There seem to be many things that people do not know about you.” He kissed the side of her neck. She tilted her head to give him better access. He trailed kisses from her jaw to her collar bone. There was a faint medicinal smell to her skin. “Siha, you smell like the med bay.”

Her felt her laugh just as much as heard it, “Thanks. I don’t know if that’s a compliment for drell women, but for humans it’s not.”

He rumbled a laugh in response, “I was merely stating a fact. Though it is not a complement among my people. Humans comment on the way you smell?”

“Not usually, but it’s not unheard of. Why do you think I smell like the med bay?”

“Your skin smells like medicine.”

“Oh, right! I was supposed to tell you that prolonged drell-human skin contact can cause a rash. Mordin left some medicated cream when he came up last night.”

“You are allergic to me?”

“Not really. He said it gets better with more exposure. Allergies usually work the opposite way. The cream is just to make it manageable so my clothes and armor don’t make it worse.”

“I see. Your skin looks the same as it always does.”

“Yeah, cybernetics for you.”

“He told me that oral contact could make you hallucinate.”

“I’ve been taking pills for that, actually. Chakwas gave them to me as part of a daily thing she had me start after Omega.” She knew she was being vague. She just hoped he wouldn’t push it.

“Was ‘daily thing’ the medical term, Siha?”

“As a matter of fact, it was. So, I have some things to do today. Why don’t you spend some time with Kolyat? Bailey gave him the day off.”

“How do you know?”

“It might have been my idea.”

Thane chuckled, “Might have been?”

“You know me.”

“I have to admit, I’m impressed”

“Why?”

“You are ruining me. I should have been aware the minute you tried to leave the bed, yet you were able to get up, change, and put music on without waking me. I am getting far too comfortable around you. And, you are giving me a chance with my son.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” she smiled.

“Merely unexpected.”

“Well you should go get dressed or whatever it is you need to do. I’m going to shower and make myself look presentable.”

“You are always presentable, Siha.”


	10. Rings and Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bit of fluff, yay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. been busy. Anyway, thanks for reading!

“Whatever you say. Now, out with you.” She stood. He followed suit and wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back to him. She spun in his arms so she was facing him. His fingers caught on something solid and plastic in her skin.

“What was that?”

“What was what?” She threaded her arms around his neck. He took a step back and examined her bare midsection. “Thane, what are you doing?”

“There was something, I felt it.” She watched him with thinly veiled amusement. She knew exactly what he was looking for, but she wasn’t planning on telling him. “This. What _is_ this?” He gently pulled on the ring in her navel. It was completely clear plastic, easy to miss if you didn’t know it was there, which no one did.

“A memory of a very good day.”

“I fail to understand the significance of it, or really what it is.”

Shepard laughed, “It’s called a bellybutton ring. Vesta and I each got one the day before we enlisted. It’s an old fashion statement from Earth. It’s really rare these days. I’m probably too old for it, but it just doesn’t feel right not to have it. We said we would take them out when we retired. I intend to do just that. I was actually surprised I still had it when Cerberus rebuilt me, but they really did bring me back the exact same.”

“Why hide it?”

“Trying to keep a professional look in front of the crew.”

“So you let others share your bed. And here I thought I was special,” he teased.

“Oh, hush.” She swatted him playfully, “Fine, I’ll put in a colored one if it will make you feel better.” She untangled herself from him and sauntered into the bathroom, leaving the door open. He leaned against the door frame. Shepard rummaged around in a small container until she found one. With practiced ease, she pulled the clear ring from her skin and put a green one in its place. Thane was fascinated. His peoples’ scales could never do anything like that. “There. Happy now?”

“That was oddly unnerving. Your skin is-”

“Yes, weird, I know. Have you been hanging around Garrus?”

“Why do you ask?”

“He says that all the time.”

“He may have made a comment about it.”

“I knew it.”

Thane laughed and examined the green ring now dangling from her stomach. He really didn’t understand it, but like her tattoo, it fit her well. “I like it if you do.”

“If I didn’t like it, it wouldn’t be there. Now, out, seriously. I need to shower and I generally create enough humidity to rival a rainforest. Last I checked that was still very bad for you.”

He lifted her up onto the counter and kissed her deeply. He slid his body in between her legs and was satisfied when her heart sped up. She reacted to him the same way her reacted to her. Her fingers danced across the bare skin of his chest and his fingers tangled themselves in her hair. Suddenly, leaving didn’t seem like such an easy feat. When they finally broke apart, they both sighed. “You are right about the humidity, Siha. I will be in Life Support when you are ready.”

“Yeah, okay.”

He withdrew and bowed before leaving her cabin. Damn that man. He knew just how to drive her crazy. If he kept doing that, she was going to start declaring her cabin was a no-clothes zone. Shepard shook her head. Those were not the thoughts to be dwelling on when showering alone.

\----------------------

Shepard looked down on Thane meditating. She had shimmied her way through the vents of her own ship to really surprise him. This was either going to be a fantastic bit of payback, or a disaster. Either way, it would be fun. She eased the grate loose and in one fluid motion, dropped into the room and shoved the drell into the wall. She had either successfully surprised him or he was playing along.

“So, Mr. Krios. If you ever kiss me like that and walk away again, we’ll see just how bad humidity really is for those lungs of yours,” she whispered with her lips barely touching his.

“Siha,” he breathed.

“Yes?”

He had no answer. She had dropped from the ceiling silently and grabbed him before he knew she was there. Was he getting so comfortable with her that she could do this? Or was his health worse than he thought? When the silence stretched, she released him and stepped back.

“Did I hurt you? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean anything, I was just having fun. I-” he silenced her with a soft kiss.

“You did me no harm, Siha. I am not used to being surprised.”

“Are you sure that’s it?”

“Yes,” he lied. He felt awful lying to her but he wouldn’t let her worry about it.

“Okay,” she wasn’t convinced but let it go. He would talk about it when he felt up to it. “Well, come on, then. Like I said, I have a couple things to do today.”

“Of course. Kolyat has asked to meet at a coffee shop that serves tea native to Kahje.”

“Is it called Jumping Bean?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Perfect. That’s my first stop today. Can we go together?”

“I would be honored, Siha.” They both smiled and Shepard turned to leave. He put an arm around her waist and pulled her close, her back pressing firmly against him. He whispered, “The next time I kiss you like that, I don’t plan on walking away.”

Her heart hammered in her chest and she knew he could feel it. She felt his lips pull into a smile against her ear. He released his hold and they left the room as if nothing had happened.

\--------------------

“Why don’t you replace them?” He asked.

“Because I like these ones!” She protested.

“They are full of holes.”

“Some of them were there when I bought them, you know.”

“Why would you buy pants with holes in them?”

“I like them.”

Thane held the door open for Shepard and she stepped past him. She was in casual clothes consisting of ripped jeans, a red tank top under her favorite N7 hoodie and black combat boots. He was arguing her choice in damaged clothing even though he could hardly keep his eyes on her face. He couldn’t deny that those jeans hugged her in all the right places.

“Hey, Mac!” She called happily.

“Hey, Shep. Been a while.” The man behind the counter answered.

“Yeah, I know. Long story.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. The usual?”

“Of course. Keep my tab open until after the lunch rush today. And include the drell,” she motioned to Thane. “He’s a friend. His son, too.”

“Where’s the turian and quarian?”

“Oh, they’ll be around, I’m sure.”

“Siha, you don’t need to-”

“Don’t argue her on this. Trust me. It’s her day, her thing. Just accept it,” Mac said.

“It’s fine, Thane. I do it every year.”

“If you insist.”

“I do. Should I stay or make myself scarce? The last time I saw Kolyat, I did punch him.”

“You punched his son?”

“That’s a fun one. Remind me to tell you about it.”

“And he’s still with you?” Mac gestured to Thane.

“Well, I didn’t shoot his son.”

“He must mean a lot to you, then. Have a good day, Shep.”

Shepard laughed, “You too, Mac.”

“Siha, I am confused.”

“About what?” She sipped her latte.

“You.”

“Good. I prefer it that way.”

Thane couldn’t help but laugh. “You do this every year?”

“Yeah. It’s how I cope… I don’t really want to talk about it here.”

“As you wish.”

Shepard rolled her eyes and smiled around her drink. “So, should I stay or go?”

“Stay. I don’t believe he will be upset to see you.”

“Great. If he’s mad and I have to punch him again, it’s on you.”

“Commander. Father.” Kolyat said flatly.

“Hey. How are you, Kolyat?” Shepard smiled softly at him.

“Better since my jaw stopped hurting.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I seemed like a better option than using my gun.”

“I think I agree.”

“Oh, well, good. I don’t have to do it again.”

“You think you could get a hit like that in twice?”

“Don’t underestimate me, kid.”

“Kid? Right.”

“You are someone’s kid. Don’t you ever forget that.”

Thane watched the exchange in silence. She had effectively brought down his son’s anger and managed to ease the past with a joke, while still subtly standing by Thane. The woman never ceased to amaze him.

“Yes, how could I?” Kolyat turned his gaze to his father.

“You two play nice. I have more interesting things to do than play family referee.”

“I hope interesting does not include bullets.” Thane said.

“If everything goes according to plan today, there won’t be any bullets. Just a highly entertained salarian professor when he makes me scream tonight.”

Mac barked out a laugh from behind the counter. Kolyat blinked rapidly. Thane could only stare at her. Did she really just say that? She wiggled her fingers in a wave and left.

“Did she mean…?” Kolyat’s voice trailed off.

“No, she did not. We have much to discuss.”

..........

Shepard couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face as she left the coffee shop. She had purposely given Thane a reason to talk to his son about what Mordin had said without overstepping her bounds and she had given everyone in the place pause at what she had implied. Today was starting out well. If only it would stay that way. She lit the candle she had left on the memorial for Akuze. It was such a silly thing these days, but old habits die hard. She had started doing it years ago to let people know she was available to reminisce about the dead rather than not be bothered. She had started the tab at the coffee shop at the same time, inviting people in a way. This is the only time she would openly acknowledge the pain. She would never forget, no, but she could pretend not to feel it.


	11. Strange Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kolyat gets to meet the crew

“What?”

“I know it is hard to believe.”

“It’s impossible! If the Illuminated Primacy-” Kolyat sputtered.

“Ceres makes a point of accomplishing the impossible.”

“I know her history! Since when do you address her by her first name?”

“We have gotten . . . close in my time aboard her ship. She is the tissue donor.”

“She . . . what?” Kolyat was stunned.

“Yes, she volunteered her lung tissue for this. She would not take no for an answer. She can be quite stubborn.”

“So there’s a chance you’ll be okay?” He asked hesitantly.

Thane looked at his son and considered his answer. “Yes,” he said simply. A myriad of emotions swept across his son’s face. Hurt, anger, fear, hope, joy.

“Why would she do this?”

“I think she gets a perverse enjoyment out of accomplishing impossible feats, honestly.” Kolyat balked at the genuine amusement in his father’s tone. “She helps people, Kolyat. It’s what she does. And heaven help whoever threatens someone she considers an ally.”

“I heard Commander Shepard is here.”

“I heard she was with Cerberus.”

“Like hell. If she’s with them, it’s to blow it up from the inside. She’s not a terrorist. She’s a Specter.”

“Yeah, whatever man.”

“Hey, you don’t know her. So shut up.”

Both drell silently watched the group of Alliance marines order drinks.

“You don’t know her either, Philips.”

“My brother served with her. I know her better than you. You’ve never even met her, Kipling.”

“And neither did you.”

“Shut it, Rogers. You don’t know what she’s like.”

“Isn’t that why we’re all here? To talk to her?”

The group left still arguing. Thane sipped his tea and waited for his son to speak. Kolyat fidgeted in his seat. “I don’t know what to make of this. You come back into my life trying to stop me from becoming like you and tell me you’re dying. Hardly a month later, you tell me there’s hope.”

“I know. I did not believe in hope before meeting Ceres. She is…more than unique.” Kolyat snorted and Thane continued, “Come. There is something I think you should see.”

They left the small coffee shop and followed the same path Shepard had taken not long ago. They walked in silence until a familiar figure emerged from crowd.

“Thane, hello.”

“Professor Solus.” Thane bowed. “I thought you would be on the ship, preparing.”

“Equipment ready. Meeting with old team, discussing options to lessen Shepard’s pain during procedure. Stubborn human.”

“Yes, she is. This is my son, Kolyat,” Thane gestured to the teal drell.

“Ah, yes. Will need blood sample. Come by ship later. Will be ready.”

“What?”

“For cure. Can’t use infected sample.”

“I didn’t-”

“Won’t take long. Now, will be late. Please, excuse me.” And with that, the salarian was gone again.

“What just happened?” Kolyat stared after him.

“That is the salarian professor.”

“Is he always like that?”

“Yes.”

“You have strange friends.”

Friends? Yes, they all were friends on the Normandy. “You have not met the worst of them.”

It was odd to be talking like they were. It was strained, a little forced but it still felt nice. “There are worse than him?”

“A murderous mostly naked over-powered biotic, an asari Justicar that swore an oath of loyalty to Shepard and a tank bred krogan that sees the commander as his Battle Master and mother.”

“You’re joking.”

Samara approached them, “Thane, have you seen Jack?”

“Not today.”

“She was last seen in the bar causing trouble. Miss Lawson asked if I could rein her in before she destroyed the Wards.”

“Ah, I see.” A biotic explosion sounded off to the left of them. “I believe that would be her.”

“My thanks,” the Justicar bowed and took off.

Kolyat shook his head. “What kind of crew does that woman have?”

“An immensely powerful one.”

“Damn it, Grunt! You are not swimming in the lake. Krogan are not allowed up there. Grunt. Grunt!” Garrus was shouting uselessly at the krogan. Thane grabbed Kolyat’s arm and pulled him out of the path of the charging krogan.

“You are not my Battle Master!”

“No, but she did leave in charge of your sorry ass today.”

“Grunt.” Thane said calmly.

“What?” The krogan barked.

“I believe Shepard told you to listen to Mr. Vakarian.”

“So?”

“Do you really wish to anger your Battle Master?”

The krogan growled. “No. Fine.”

“Thanks, Thane. I don’t know why she keeps putting me in charge of him. He hates me.”

“I think that is precisely why.”

“Damn tank bred. You think he would have some manners imprinted.” Garrus stormed off after the still slightly raging krogan.

“Was that Archangel?”

“Yes, it was.”

“Did Garrus and Grunt come through here?” Tali asked.

“Yes, take a left. They haven’t gotten far.”

“Thanks. Grunt left his noodles at the gun shop.”

“A quarian, really?” Kolyat was dumbstruck.

“Tali’Zorah vas Normandy.  Best engineer in the quarian fleet.”

“Anyone else I should be aware of?”

“Is this your son? He’s cute.”

“What the hell?” Kolyat jumped.

“Kasumi. Best thief in the galaxy.”

The woman uncloaked next to him, “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, see ya, Thane. I have things to steal.”

“Of course.” He bowed and she was gone.

“Seriously? Next you’re going to tell me she has a merc leader on her side, too.”

“Ex-merc leader, actually.”

“Hey, has that goddamn thief been here?”

“Zaeed. Yes, she just left.”

“Rat has my credit chit. When I get my hands on her…”

Kolyat pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not even going to ask.”

“That would be for the best.”

Jack ran up behind them. Thane quickly side-stepped her. “Damn it! I thought I fucking had you.”

“Subtly is not your strong suit, Jack.”

“Damn assassin. I’ll get fucking get you one of these days.”

“I wish you luck. Samara was looking for you.”

“No shit. She found me.”

“Jack, come. I can only use my status to protect you with asari.” Samara spoke calmly.

“Yeah, yeah. Back to the ship, then. Shit.” Both women left.

“She wasn’t wearing a shirt.” Kolyat gaped.

“She usually does not.”

“Is there anyone normal on her crew?”

“Mr. Taylor, Miss Lawson.” Thane bowed.

“Krios.” Jacob said stiffly.

“Hello, Thane. Have you seen Shepard?” Miranda asked.

“We came here together just over an hour ago. I haven’t seen her since. Why?”

“Armor upgrade. I wanted to make sure it’s up to her standards.” Jacob answered.

“It’s the best we can get. If she wants something better, she’s going to have to make it herself.”

“You keep saying that like you expect it to happen.”

“This is Shepard we’re talking about. I don’t know what to expect with that woman.”

“I believe that is how she prefers it, Miss Lawson.”

“You’re probably right. Come on, Jacob. Let’s get this back to the ship and start installing it.”

“Right behind you.”

“I suppose they have some story, too, right?” Kolyat sighed.

“Miss Lawson was genetically engineered by her father to be perfect. Mr. Taylor is the most ‘normal’ of the crew, by your standards.”

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, how do you stack up?”

“The crew describes me as the quite, murdering type. I suppose I fit right in.”

Kolyat snorted, “Of course. Is this what you wanted to show me?”

“No, this was unexpected. We are almost there.”

“Where? I’ve never been to this part of the Presidium before.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you're enjoying it :)


	12. Staff Commander v. Specter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> confrontation with Kaidan.

Shepard sat with her back to a tree and her coffee in her lap. She watched the people passing by with no interest, lost in her own thoughts. Only when someone called her name did she react. In the ninety minutes she had been here, she had talked with familiar faces and strangers about everything from the dead to the best pistol mod she knew of to her utterly unchanged appearance. At one point she saw a biotic explosion that could have only been Jack and a bellow that was Grunt. She smiled fondly. Her crew was motley and strange, some would even say crazy, but they were hers and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Commander Shepard?”

She looked up and stood quickly, saluting, “Admiral.”

The man returned the gesture, “At ease. This is purely social.” He raised his cup of coffee, showing her the logo. She nodded gestured to the bench and they both took a seat.

“It’s been a while, sir.”

“I know. I’m relieved I caught up with you.”

“May I ask why, sir?”

“My son,” he paused, weighing his words heavily, “He wants to kill you.”

She tilted her head marginally at Admiral Toombs. “I know. He sent me an angry message.”

“He’s chartered a ship, intent on hunting you down. I think he’s finally broken. Whatever bit of sanity you bestowed on him when you found him and talked him down was blown to bits with the _Normandy_. And then when rumors started that you were with Cerberus, well that was it.”

“I’m not with Cerberus, sir. I’m using them to take out a major threat since the Alliance more or less disowned me. That is the extent of it.”

“I’ve heard talk that they brought you back from the dead and rebuilt your ship.”

“Yes, all a ploy to trick me into trusting them. I haven’t forgotten what they have done. In fact, they continue to show me the depth of the corruption.” She thought of Project Overlord and suppressed an angry shudder, “I would just as soon blow it up and come back to the Alliance if I could, sir.”

“And I believe you. No one who knows you would believe for a second that you would advance that terrorist group in any way. But not everyone knows you.”

She sighed, thinking of Kaidan. He didn’t believe her and he knew her better than the grizzled man sitting next to her. “I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. But right now, I have a fight to win, sir.”

“What exactly are you doing that is so important, Shepard?”

“Have you read the reports from Horizon?”

“Yes, Staff-Commander Alenko said there were Collectors there.”

“I’m going to take them out, sir. They killed me once. I think it’s time to return the favor.”

The Admiral chuckled, “You haven’t changed. Only you would look at the beings that killed you and willingly go after them without a second thought.”

“They’re kidnapping human colonies, sir.”

“I know. I trust that you’ll get the job done. So does Anderson. Not everyone thinks you’re crazy.”

“You say that now, but you haven’t seen my crew, sir.”

“If half the reports I’ve been hearing today is your crew…”

“Shepard. I didn’t think they let terrorists on the Presidium.”

“Kaidan.”

Admiral Toombs stood, “Please, don’t underestimate my son. He’s more of a threat than I care to admit.”

“I won’t, sir.” She stood and saluted and he returned it before leaving, paying no mind to Kaidan.

“What are you doing here?” He spat.

“Paying my respects, Kaidan. Why are you here? Just to harass me?”

“I’m here to escort you off of Alliance property, Cerberus.” He gestured behind him.

“I’m a Council Specter. I have every right to be here.” Shepard folded her arms across her chest.

“Are you really going to pull that, Shepard?”

“What is your deal, Kaidan? Seriously. I have done nothing to you.”

“You died.”

“You say that like I did it just to spite you.”

“I loved you, Shepard. I followed you to hell and back. I trusted you more than anyone!” He turned away from her.

“You keep talking about me like I’m still dead.” She hissed.

“Because you are,” he spun and glared at her.

“Do I look dead to you?”

“People who die should stay dead.” He said icily.

“Don’t you think I know that? You act like this is easy for me. It’s not. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see my dead sister’s face in the mirror every day, her beautiful features marred by the hell Cerberus put me through? It wasn’t my fault I died, Kaidan. It wasn’t yours either. And I didn’t ask to be brought back. They should have left me alone. Death is final. There’s a damn good reason you don’t come back from it.” She said, just as coldly.

“I spent two years mourning you. Two fucking years, Shepard. It broke my heart when I made it and you didn’t. And then you come crashing back into my life and act like nothing fucking happened. What did you expect me to do?”

“You forget, I was dead! It was two years for you, but not for me. By the time I found you again, it was only months for me. I died and everything faded to black and the next damn thing I know, I’m in another fight with rogue mechs, very much alive. I may have well just taken a nap for all the time that passed for me. I don’t know what I expected when I saw you again, happiness maybe, and anger sure, but not complete and utter betrayal. You knew me better than anyone and you couldn’t see past the color of my ship. You couldn’t see me. Complete strangers trusted me more than you.” She could feel Thane behind her. She didn’t know when he got there and she really didn’t care. She needed him right now.

“Maybe it’s because they never knew you before that they trusted you. The woman you were never would have accepted their help. Whoever you are now, you’re not the Shepard I remember.”

“Well, then. I guess that’s that. If I survive my suicide mission, maybe we can talk again.”

“Wait, suicide mission?”

“Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention that when you were spewing insults at me? My apologies.”

“Shepard-”

“No, you can’t be worried now, Kaidan. That’s not how it works. If I’m not the Shepard you remember, then you shouldn’t care. I’m just a Cerberus lackey after all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a dead Reaper to crawl through.”

“Shepard, I lost you once. You can’t do this.”

“Like hell, I can’t. I’m going to get the bastards that killed me. And while I’m off protecting the galaxy again, you can sit in your nice, safe room thinking about how you could have saved me from them this time around. Instead, you’ll be drowning in whisky and he will be saving me.” She gestured to Thane.

“You are not the type that needs saving, Ceres.” Thane said, just loud enough for Kaidan to hear.

“Now, was there anything else, Staff-Commander Alenko?” She hissed coolly.

“No, Specter, there wasn’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! :)


	13. Staff Commander v. Specter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A re-run of the argument from Thane's POV.

“What do you know about Commander Shepard, Kolyat?” Thane asked as they entered the Alliance memorial garden.

“She hits hard for a human,” he rubbed the side of his face at the memory. “She was the first human Specter, saved the Citadel from a geth attack, supposedly died when her old ship was destroyed, and has a long military history.”

“Is that all?”

“The only time I’ve spent around her was when she was pointing a gun at me and talking about a salarian making her scream. What do you want me to say?”

Thane conceded the point. His son wasn’t trained to observe like he was. He led him to a six foot polished stone and waited while the young drell looked it over.

“What is this?” He finally asked.

“A memorial for Akuze where her squad of fifty was killed by a thresher maw. She was the only one to make out of there alive. She does not talk about it.”

He looked closer at it, the stone now taking on a deeper meaning. The candle flickered slightly in the artificial breeze. “What’s with the message? Did she put it there?”

Thane didn’t answer, only led him to another polished stone. He lightly touched the third name from the top and a holo came to life. “This is her brother. He was killed in action because his commanding officer cared more about getting the job done than his soldier’s lives.”

“There’s no message on this. I thought it was a human thing.” Kolyat stared at the holo until it disappeared. “You mean it’s a Shepard thing? Why?”

Instead of answering, Thane showed him to the grassy area that held the memorial for Mindior. Instead of walking around it like Shepard had, he took his son to the names of her family. He traced the names of her parents and the holo sparked to life. The song started soon after. “These are her parents. They were killed by a batarian slave ring when it attacked her home on the colony world of Mindior. The song was theirs and they would dance to it often.” Without waiting for a response, he moved to the inscription _Friends forever. Gone but not forgotten._ He again traced it and the holo came to life. “This was taken just days before the attack, when she was only sixteen. They were going out for a celebration. How many of them are still with her?”

Kolyat’s voice was quiet, “None.” He looked at the people in the picture. “Vesta looks a lot like the commander.”

Thane took them to the twin statues. “This is Vesta Lito Shepard.” He watched the young drell’s face. His mouth hung open in shock. “Twin sister of Commander Ceres Dia Shepard. She was killed on shore leave after the Skyllian Blitz.” He paused to give Kolyat time to digest what he had just said. When he looked away from the statues, Thane continued, “This woman has lost so much. She has made it her personal mission to make sure no one ever endures what she has, to help whoever needs it. If her allies are threatened, she will stop at nothing to protect them. An erupting volcano has less fury than Ceres. She…she is a Siha.”

“That’s what this is about? Look, I don’t care what you do in your personal life. She’s not Mother and she never will be.”

“I know, Kolyat. My intention is not to replace her. No one can ever replace Irikah. I still love her. I always will.”

“Does your new Siha know this?”

“Yes. I have told her everything. She agreed to help me find you after I told her.”

Kolyat stared at his father, trying to sort out everything he had just been told. It didn’t take much to see that the commander was a truly unique person. Anyone else would have shot him without a second thought, or let C-Sec take the shot. But she had gotten him out that mess alive, with no arrest on his record. She was voluntarily giving part of her lung to give his father more time. He couldn’t deny the claim that she was a Siha. If his father wanted to spend the time he had left with a human, he didn’t feel he had a right to stop him.

“Does she know you’re telling me?”

“I no longer keep secrets.”

“…Just to harass me?” Thane recognized Shepard’s voice. It was canted low with hurt and anger. He motioned for Kolyat to stay where he was and melded himself with the shadows and did what he did best. From his vantage point, he could see Shepard facing someone. A man. The man from the face down photo on her desk. Her posture was defensive and Thane felt the need to protect her, though from what he hadn’t a clue.

“You died.”

“You say that like I did it to spite you.”

Was this man trying to make her feel guilty for something she had no control over? What right did he have-

 “I loved you, Shepard. I followed you to hell and back. I trusted you more than anyone!” He turned away from her. _Loved?_ What was going on? Was Thane getting in between something with them? If Shepard’s reaction to this man was anything to go off of, something else had come between them, but he couldn’t help the twinge of unrest that seeded in his mind. “People who die should stay dead.” He said icily. Ah, so that was it. He felt she had betrayed him by not only dying, but coming back without him. Thane decided in that moment that he did not like this man. Given the chance, he would feel no guilt in killing him. Shepard’s posture went from defensive to resigned and…defeated?  Thane wasn’t sure. What she said next rocked him to the core of his being.

“Don’t you think I know that? You act like this is easy for me. It’s not. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see my dead sister’s face in the mirror every day, her beautiful features marred by the hell Cerberus put me through? It wasn’t my fault I died, Kaidan. It wasn’t yours either. And I didn’t ask to be brought back. They should have left me alone. Death is final. There’s a damn good reason you don’t come back from it.” _They should have left me alone. Death is final._ He clenched his fists. Who was this man to make his strong, beautiful Siha say such things? Was he more upset by the words themselves or the sincerity behind them? He didn’t know and wouldn’t take his focus off his Siha long enough to sort it out.

“I spent two years mourning you. Two fucking years, Shepard. It broke my heart when I made and you didn’t. And then you come crashing back into my life and act like nothing fucking happened. What did you expect me to do?”  She expected a friend. She expected support in her hour of need. Clearly, that is not what you offered her, Thane thought angrily. Shepard spoke his thoughts out loud.

“You forget, I was dead! It was two years for you, but not for me. By the time I found you again, it was only months for me. I died and everything faded to black and the next damn thing I know, I’m in another fight with rogue mechs, very much alive. I may have well just taken a nap for all the time that passed for me. I don’t know what I expected when I saw you again, happiness maybe, and anger sure, but not complete and utter betrayal. You knew me better than anyone and you couldn’t see past the color of my ship. You couldn’t see me. Complete strangers trusted me more than you.” Thane materialized behind her. He didn’t make a sound, but knew instinctively that she was aware of his presence. He stood perfectly still, channeling his burning anger and dislike into his eyes and directing it at the human. This man was not fit to speak to any Siha, least of all Thane’s. He started listening again when she spoke, “Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention that when you were spewing insults at me? My apologies.”

“Shepard-” It was not lost on Thane that he never used her first name. He briefly wondered at the significance and returned his full attention to the conversation before he let his guard down.

“No, you can’t be worried now, Kaidan. That’s not how it works. If I’m not the Shepard you remember, then you shouldn’t care. I’m just another Cerberus lackey after all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a dead Reaper to crawl through.” Did she sound like she was looking forward to that? Or was she mocking him? Thane kept his expression schooled even though he wanted to smile devilishly. This woman knew how to get under people’s skin, there was no doubt.

“Shepard, I lost you once. You can’t do this.” Shepard did whatever she wanted. Even Thane knew that. Nothing in the galaxy could make her change her mind once she had it made up. This man had to know it too, so why bother voicing it?

“Like hell, I can’t. I’m going to get the bastards that killed me. And while I’m off saving the galaxy again, you can sit in your nice, safe room thinking about how you could have saved me from them this time around. Instead, you’ll be drowning in whisky and he will be saving me.” She gestured to Thane. He took a step closer, turning his body protectively toward her, still shooting daggers at Kaiden. When she turned to leave, he put a gentle hand on the small of her back, sparing on last glance at the human. The significance was not lost on him as he walked away. As soon as he was out of sight, Thane put a hand on her shoulder. She turned to face him, the tension leaving her. She looked up at him with emerald eyes and her face a blank mask.

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

“As you wish.”

She took his hand and squeezed it, “I’m glad you came. Speaking of which, why are you here?”

“Hello, Commander.”

“Kolyat? Hi.” She shook her head. “Right, well, let’s get back to the ship. That’s assuming the rest of the crew has managed not to get arrested or killed. I would hate to have to abuse my Specter status to get them back.”

“Your Specter status can bring them back from death?”

“Well, no. But I have Miranda for that.” She fell into her easy joking manner and the harsh words were pushed away.

Thane chuckled, “That you do, Siha.”

“Since I’m so sure you had a good reason to drag your son out here, why not invite him to dinner?”

“Mordin asked to see him, as well.”

“Oh, this should be good. Let’s not keep the caffeinated hamster waiting, then.”

“The what?”

“Mr. Vakarian calls it a ‘humanism’.”

“I call it a ‘Shepardism’.”

“She’s just a weird as her crew.”

“Oh, good! You’ve met my crazies. Wait till you see them in an enclosed space. I hope they don’t start another food fight…”

“I believe you started the last, Siha.”

“That was the one after you joined. I was trying to get a rise out of you.”

“Did it work?” Kolyat asked.

“It took me hitting him in the face with some weird turian food, but yes it did.”

Kolyat actually laughed, “What did he do?”

“After he got over the fact that his commander threw food at him? Nearly killed me.”

“What?”

“That is not the way I would have put it.” Thane said dryly.

“At first he just wiped his face. I readied another spoonful. I was determined to get him to do something besides just sit there. Let me say that the fact he was out of his room at all was an improvement.”

“And you seemed intent on making sure I never wanted to repeat it.”

“You liked it and you know it.” Shepard laughed.

“I didn’t know what to make of it at the time.” Thane replied.

“Anyway, I was set to fling more at him when he moved. And he was just gone. At first I thought he just went back to his room so I sent the spoonful of whatever at Garrus and tried to catch the steak he threw at me in my mouth. Thane picked that minute to come up behind me and dump his tea down my face. I choked on the steak. Totally worth it.”

“I was fortunate you were not harmed.”

“You’d have to try harder than that.”

They talked the rest of the way to the ship. Kolyat couldn’t help thinking that maybe this mission was good for his father. The commander was a force to be reckoned with and he was suddenly grateful he was in her good graces, even if it was only thanks to his father that he was. It didn’t take much to see that she returned his feelings. He shook his head and focused on the task at hand. He was walking onto a ship full of Shepard's 'crazies' after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter has some very colorful language. You have been warned.


	14. Flying Blue What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> High profanity content. Feel free to skip down a bit if you don't want to read it.

_“Mother fucking goddamn shit!”_

_“Shepard, hold still.”_

_“Don’t you have a smaller goddamn knife?”_

_“Heavy skin weave requires-”_

_“Less talk, more whatever the hell you’re doing.”_

Kolyat glanced at his father sitting across the mess hall table. Thane sat stiffly, sipping tea. It was hard not to hear what was going on in the med bay since she was shouting, which made Mordin and the doctor shout over her. It didn’t sound like Shepard was enjoying it and he was glad they had tinted the windows before starting.

_“Fucking shit. Holy goddamn mother of a shit eating SONOFABITCH! Couldn’t you just shoot me instead?”_

Garrus laughed, “Well, it sounds like it’s going well.”

“I never knew the queen of the girl scouts knew so many pretty words!” Jack agreed.

_“Wait, what the flying blue fuck is that for? Oh hell no!”_

_“Shepard, hold still! May need restraints.”_

“Why is Battle Master shouting?” Grunt asked groggily.

“Oh, she woke up a sleeping krogan. She’ll be proud!” Garrus said.

What were they doing to her that required restraints and so much pain? Kolyat thought to ask his father, but decided against it. It was clear he was extremely bothered by whatever was going on. Mercifully, Mordin had been gentle with Kolyat. He took a vile of blood after they had made it back to the ship and then they sat down to eat, thankfully without the food becoming air-born, though he suspected Shepard was tempted.

_“Son of a nut sucking goddamn mother fucking asshole! What in the flying blue fucking shit monkeys are you doing in there?”_

_“Really, Commander?”_

_“Put on arm restraints.”_

_“Fucking hell.”_

Kolyat could hardly keep a straight face. He had to give the woman credit; she was creative with her profanity. If he couldn’t see how much it was upsetting his father, he would have laughed.

“Flying blue-what on earth is going on in there?” Jacob asked.

“Shepard’s in the med bay with Mordin.”

“Oh, that explains a lot.”

_“Shit eating flying red fucking anteaters! Mother of all-HOLY FUCK!”_

_“Tighten arm restraints.”_

_“I swear by all that is fucking holy I will end you goddamn right fucking now if you delay again egg sucking sonofabitch.”_

Kolyat finally gave in and snickered. Even Thane’s stony expression softened.

“What is an ‘anteater’?” Garrus asked.

Jack was doubled over laughing. Grunt was just confused. Jacob slapped the table and threw his head back.

_“Erm…Shepard?”_

_“Mother fucking green shitting space bugs, WHAT?”_

_“There is a complication.”_

_“Just fucking magical.”_

_“Recommend summoning Miranda.”_

_“CERBERUS CHEERLEADER! GET IN HERE NOW!”_

“What the hell is going on?” Miranda said as she left her office.

The group had fallen silent when Mordin said there was a complication. It was Jacob that finally spoke up, “Shepard needs you in the med bay.”

Without another word she went into the mad bay. Thane stood, “If you will excuse me.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll keep an eye on Junior.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

Kolyat had a few thoughts on that, but he kept them to himself. Thane nodded once and followed Miranda into the med bay.

Shepard was strapped to bed near the middle of the room. She was wearing nothing but her favorite black shorts and a thin strip of cloth over her breasts. There was blood seeping from an incision on the left side of her chest. She was pale and sweating, her hair more disheveled than usual. But she otherwise looked well.

“What is going on here, Shepard?” Miranda asked.

“Talk to the egg sucking sonofabitch.”

“Taking lung sample. Found something else.” Mordin said, completely unfazed.

“I know why she’s here and she knows I don’t approve. What did you find?”

“Look.”

“Oh, fucking shit.”

“Is all that really necessary, Commander?” Dr. Chakwas asked.

“Yes, as a matter of fucking fact, it is. Keeps me calm.”

“Right.”

Thane moved to stand next to her bed. She wiggled her fingers and he took her hand. She squeezed and he returned the pressure. Mordin inserted a small scope into her chest.

“Flying shit faced purple balls from hell!”

Thane’s neck ridges paled as he watched the small camera slide into the incision and move beneath her flesh. He looked away when she started to squirm.

“Here. Not part of cybernetic network or previous medical treatment.”

“No, I’m not sure what that is. The only cybernetics in her chest is to support her ribs. We didn’t put anything in her heart or lungs.”

“Space eating goddamn pissing assholes!”

Mordin withdrew the tube and Shepard relaxed marginally. Thane ran his fingers through her damp hair, trying to calm her. He could only imagine the kind of pain she was in.

“Have scanned it for study. Need to address it.”

“Shit eating egg sucker you have all the fucking information with a goddamn scan? Why in the bloody hell did you have to fucking cut me open?”

“Scan only shows energy signature and placement. Visual shows more detail.”

“Better fucking be worth it.”

“Will get you patched up and study it. Should rest. Will take twenty to thirty hours to completely heal. Must take it easy.”

“Hala-fucking-lluah.” She threw her head back into the pillow and squeezed her eyes shut. Mordin removed the cloth from her chest and Thane made an effort not to let his eyes wander down. The salarian applied a generous dose of medi-gel and a few stitches before wrapping a bandage around her, completely covering her chest. The doctor removed the restraints. Shepard pulled the blanket up to her collar bone and held it in place by tucking it under her arms.

“Do you need anything, Siha?”

“Just stay with me for a minute.”

“Of course.”

She took a deep breath and winced. Relaxing back into the pillows she let her eyes drift closed. Mordin and Dr. Chakwas were cleaning their equipment and Miranda was studying the information on whatever they had found lodged in her chest. Thane perched on the edge of her bed, one hand still held in hers and the other still running through her hair. The door hissed open and Garrus stuck his head in.

“Hey, haven’t heard any profanity for a while. You still alive?”

“Yes, I am, Garrus. You could hear me out there?”

“You woke up Grunt.”

“Oh. Well. My bad.” Her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

Jack’s voice drifted in, “Oh, come on, kid! I know a guy who can ink your scales no problem.”

“For the last time, I do not want a tattoo,” Kolyat said, clearly exasperated.

Both Shepard and Thane chuckled. “You left your son alone with them?”

“I did not think he would come to harm.”

“Not physically, no. But with his perfect memory, he’s probably scarred for life.”

“Give us some credit, Shepard.” Garrus said defensively.

“This is Jack we’re talking about.”

“True.”

“He’s welcome to hide in here.”

“I’ll let him know.”


	15. Terrorist Bribing

“Siha?” She could hear him calling her. He sounded so far away. ‘ _You died.’ I know. I didn’t want to come back._

“Siha?” She wanted to be with him. But she was stuck. ‘ _People who die should stay dead.’ I know, Kaiden. I’m sorry. It wasn’t my choice._

“Siha, please.” Why couldn’t she get to him…‘ _You betrayed me and everything we stood for.’ I didn’t want to, you have to believe me._

“Can you hear me, Siha?” Yes, she could hear him. She just couldn’t get to him. ‘ _I loved you, Shepard.’ I’m so sorry, Kaidan. I didn’t want to do this._

Visions from the Prothean beacons started flashing through her mind with startling clarity. She could feel the fear and desperation and pain…pain in her chest? She could feel something building, a distantly familiar buzz.

“Something’s happening!”

“Kolyat, get the Professor!”

An immense wave of energy rolled through her. Thane. Kolyat. She had to get away. She had to protect them. In a moment of blind instinct, she pushed off the strong hands that were trying to hold her down and let loose a strangled, pained cry before throwing herself into the AI core and down the vents to the uninhabited shuttle bay.

Thane stared for an instant, wondering what just happened. She had invited Kolyat to join them and drifted to sleep as the adrenalin wore off and the pain eased. They had talked quietly, mostly about what had gone on after Thane left him with the rest of the crew. Shepard had tensed, shifting. It appeared she was having a nightmare. He had tried to wake her, but it had just agitated her more. Then her eyes had snapped open emitting a strange green glow. With surprising force, she had shoved off his hands with an almost inhuman cry and launched herself off the bed. He thought about all of this in an instant and followed her into the ducts of the ship. She seemed to have a clear plan for where she was going and it took everything he had to keep tabs on her. His lungs ached and his muscles started cramping. He had never detested his Kepral’s syndrome as much as he did in that moment. He fought the urge to cough. Now was not the time. Just as he reached the end of vent a powerful wave of raw energy knocked him back. The entire ship rocked and everything in the shuttle bay was thrown in unorganized heaps to the farthest corners of the space. He righted himself as much as he could in the vent and looked down through the grate. Shepard was hunched on the floor holding her head in her hands. He dropped down and went to her side. He laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Siha?”

“I’m fine. Just a headache.”

“What happened?”

“The weird green energy? Side effect from the Prothean beacons. It’s nothing.”

“You tore your stitches.”

“Shit. We should probably get Mordin.”

“The Professor is on his way.” EDI informed them.

Shepard pressed a hand over her incision to staunch the flow of blood. She was suddenly aware that she was missing her shirt. Just her luck that her lover’s son would be in the elevator, with Mordin, too. If Thane was as uncomfortable as she was, he didn’t show it. Mordin didn’t seem to care for anything other than her damaging the incision. He pulled her hand away and set about fixing it again, giving another warning about taking it easy. He added another layer of bandages and left them. Thane offered a hand to help her up. She took it and swayed unsteadily as soon as she was upright.

“I think your son is feeling a bit uncomfortable with my state of undress.”

Thane shrugged out of his jacket and laid it over her shoulders. She pulled it on and started to walk away. She stumbled and nearly fell after two steps. Without hesitation, he picked her up and carried her back to the elevator. Kolyat followed, carefully avoiding looking down.

“Not the med bay. My cabin, please. I think I should put some clothes on.”

Thane smiled down on her, “As you wish.”

Kolyat rolled his eyes.

“I saw that.” She laughed.

“What?”

“I could always make it worse.”

“Oh, please don’t.”

“Siha-”

“The ride to my floor is long enough to-”

“Goddess of oceans.”

“I’m serious, we can-”

“I think-”

“I’d rather not-”

The elevator door opened and she sighed, “No fun.”

“Thank the gods,” Kolyat muttered.

Thane carried her into her room and set her gently on the bed. She watched Kolyat gaze at the fish. She scooted to the edge of the bed and started digging through her drawers for clean clothes.

“You have your own floor?”

“Yep. Terrorist bribing at its finest.”

“Why the fish?”

“Because the empty tank was creepy. At least now it looks nice. Can you feed them for me, while you’re there?”

Kolyat did as she asked and continued to watch them. Shepard hauled herself off the bed and leaned against the table for a moment before disappearing into the bathroom. Both drell stayed silent until she emerged in her usual on-duty uniform. She gracefully dropped herself into her desk chair and proceeded to check her messages.

“You know, you can talk. It won’t break the glass or anything.”

“Silence can say just as much as words, Siha.”

“Yeah, yeah. Then turn some music on or something. It’s too quiet.”

Thane obliged, knowing silence ground on her nerves after her experience with death. “Any requests?”

“Anything that’s in there works for me.”

Kolyat turned to her and saw her brow furrow. He couldn’t read human expressions well and he was about to ask when his father turned to face them again and the look was gone. She stood abruptly and a little too fast and had to grab the desk to steady herself.

“I have to run an errand.”

“I don’t think you are in any condition to leave the ship, Siha.”

“I got a message from the Council. They said it was important. It shouldn’t take too long.” She lied. She hoped he didn’t catch it.

“Did they say what it was for?”

“No, all it said was something needed my immediate attention and they would discuss it with me in person rather than trust Cerberus communications.”

He nodded. “Would you like assistance?”

“As much as I want you to come, it’s Specter business.”

“Of course. Classified.”

“Keep the emergency channel open, just in case.”

“Are you expecting trouble?”

“I always expect trouble.”

“Given your reputation, I believe that is wise.”

“I would very much like assistance to the airlock, though,” she smiled.

“As you wish.”

“Kolyat, you’re welcome to stay until we head out. But I wouldn’t blame you if you’d rather run for the hills.”

“I think I’ll stay a while longer. Kasumi said something about cards.”

“Oh dear. Well, you have fun then.” She turned to Thane and gave him a quick kiss before heading out.


	16. Blank Messages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay. I've had a rough month with family stuff. I'll try to get a couple chapters posted for this to make up for it.

There was a small crowd gathered in the observation deck, some joining in the card game, others watching and drinking. Thane watched his son thoughtfully. If someone would have told him the direction his life would take when he left Illium on the _Normandy_ , he would have laughed in their face. Not only was he given the chance to make the galaxy brighter before he died, he was spending time with his son and being given more time to live. The commander was everything the news said she was and more. She was the untouchable Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel. But she was also Ceres, a young woman haunted by the dark places her life had taken her. She was willing to help in whatever capacity was needed and had no qualms about what must be done. Jack lightly punched Kolyat for successfully calling her bluff. He smiled softly. This rag-tag bunch of misfits would surely have killed each other in any other circumstance, but the force of Shepard gave them a purpose few would ever know. She was truly amazing.

His wrist buzzed. His brow furrowed as he opened the message. It was blank. He checked the settings to make sure it was displaying properly. Another buzz, another blank message. They were both from Shepard. This was not a good sign. He abruptly left the room and made his way to the elevator. He was surprised when Kolyat followed.

“Everything okay?” He asked hesitantly.

“I don’t believe so.”

The elevator stopped on the CIC. Thane made his way to Joker.

“I was just going to page you. Do you know where the Commander went?” The pilot asked.

“No, she merely said it was Specter business.”

“Shit.”

“What?”

“Is the Commander hurt?” Kolyat asked.

“I don’t know. EDI was monitoring her vitals using her omni-tool. They spiked and not in a good way. The stats said she was freaked. I sent a message to Anderson. He said the Council hadn’t asked to see her.”

“Where is she?”

“I don’t know! She turned off the tracker. All I got was a blank message when I tried to get ahold of her.”

“I received the same.”

“I can trace the messages and uncover her location when she sent them,” EDI said.

“What are you waiting for?” Joker said with more than a hint of annoyance. Thane’s omni-tool pinged with another message.

“Factory district.” EDI announced.

Thane took off with Kolyat hot on his heels. He didn’t know why he felt compelled to accompany his father, but he did. He was unaccustomed to the unease that flared within him, so he spoke out of nerves.

“The Commander has an interesting crew.”

“That she does.”

“How did she get them to work together so well?”

Thane considered the question. “Sheer will. She is an unstoppable force. We are merely caught in her current. She has gone out of her way to ensure the safety and well-being of everyone on her ship. She even went so far as to get higher quality cooking ingredients for the cook, an upgraded piece of hardware for the engineers and replace the doctor’s lost bottle of brandy. She cares for her people as no one else could. Every one of us started out accepting her mission out of necessity or greed or pride. She never forced any of us to stay, but we did because of her.” He knew he was rambling and didn’t care.

“Why did you join her?”

That question gave him pause. In the end, he chose honesty. Had he not told his son that he no longer kept secrets? “I was resigned to death. I saw her suicide mission as a way to atone for the lives I have taken and die an honorable death.”

“She said she would make sure you came back.”

Thane could hear the voice of the child his son was when he left him with his aunt. He looked over to him, “And she will. I won’t leave you again.”

They came to a stop by the entrance of the factory district. It was a massive place and they had no idea where to start.

“EDI?”

“Top floor. I am reading hostiles guarding the elevators and stairwells. You will need assistance.”

“I could get in there alone,” Thane protested.

“Yes, but getting out will be difficult. Shepard is without armor or weapons. While her hand-to-hand skills are well above average, the chance she would make it out alive is slim.”

“What do you propose?”

“I will send the crew.”

.................... 

“So what’s the plan, boss man?” Jack asked.

“Go in guns blazing and get our Commander back.” Garrus said.

“I like that!” Jacob agreed.

“We’ll split into two teams, one will take the stairs and the other will go for the elevators.” Miranda said.

“Are we really going to shoot up the Citadel?” Kolyat asked.

“You bet your goddamn ass.” Zaeed said proudly.

“We? Kolyat are you intending on coming with us?” Thane asked.

“I know how to shoot.” His son said.

“We are down one since Shepard is indisposed.” Samara said simply.

“He’ll be with us. He’ll be fine!” Kasumi piped up.

“If he’s half as good as you, we could use him,” Tali said with a shrug.

“Strong build, knows how to use gun, potential for solid hit. Good addition,” Mordin agreed.

“I don’t care who comes with. They have crossed my battle master. They deal with me!” Grunt roared.

“They are coming to investigate your presence. I suggest you move,” EDI quipped.

Garrus, Tali, Thane, Jack and Kolyat went in the front and the rest ran for the stairs.

....................

“What do you want, Toombs?” Shepard spat. She was in no mood to deal with his games.

“You will find out.”

“No, you will tell me now or I will call C-Sec. I’m a Specter so don’t think it’s an idle threat.”

He glared at her, gauging her words. He relented, “I have someone special to you being held in the factory district. If you do not come with me, he will be killed.”

“What? Are you insane?”

“The choice is yours.”

Shepard struggled to regain control of the situation. It had escalated quickly. She knew she was in for trouble when his message had popped up on her terminal, but she had not expected it to go from ‘hello’ to ‘hostage’ in no time flat. She growled, “Fine. I’ll come.”

“Turn off your comms and tracker.”

She complied and when he was satisfied, he led her to the transport. He roughly shoved her into the back and took off far too fast. She chanced sending a few messages from her omni-tool. She hoped it would be enough. She wasn’t used to being in situations like this. When they had come to rest at the factory district, she sent off one more before he pulled her from the car. She followed him to the elevator and they rode it to the top floor. She sent off another blank message before he turned to her again.

“Go on, in there.”

She brushed past him with such indifference he lost his temper and shoved her down, hard. She couldn’t help the grunt that escaped her. She felt her stitches pull as she hauled herself to her feet. In the back room, in front of a giant picture window was Kaiden.

_Fuck._


	17. Bombs Away

“They told me if I didn’t come they’d kill you!”

“They told me the same damn thing. You should know by now it takes more than mercs to take me out.”

“They have a bomb on the _Normandy_.”

She spun to face him and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, “ _WHAT?”_

“They’ve had techs strapping it to the underside since you docked here. They said if I didn’t come with, they’d set it off.”

“Are you shitting me?”

“No.”

“Distract him.” She gestured to Toombs.

“How?”

“Figure it out.” 

Kaidan started to protest but she gave him her best ‘Commander Stare’ and he did as she said, approaching the man and blabbering on about his L2 implant and headaches. Shepard sent a message to Joker: _Bomb sweep. Now._

 ----------------------------------------

“What is going on here?” Garrus asked as he inspected a dead merc’s armor. “They aren’t from any of the big groups.”

“Something does not feel right,” Thane agreed.

“How many more of these fuckers are there?” Jack asked.

“Bored already, Jack?” Tali teased.

Kolyat remained silent. It was humbling to watch them all fight, his father especially. Thane looked over to see if he was unharmed. Kolyat nodded and received one in return before they turned back to the task at hand.

EDI came over their comms, “We have found a bomb on the _Normandy_.”

“What?” Came Miranda’s reply, “Where?”

“Fixed to the underside. Shepard sent a message saying to check so we did. I think that’s how they got her.” Joker said.

“This just got infinitely more complicated.”

\----------------------------------------

“Why do you suddenly care?”

“I never stopped caring!”

“Bullshit. If you still cared, you wouldn’t have said half the shit you did.”

“Shepard, please.”

“No, Kaiden. I can understand Horizon. I really can. I went through something similar when I first woke up with Cerberus. So, yeah, it hurt, but I let it go. Then you sent me that message with some pathetic attempt at what I assume was an apology with a hint of coercion and I was pissed. Add that to what you said at the memorial and I’m livid. The only reason you’re not laid up in a hospital somewhere is because I respect you as a soldier.”

Kaiden felt his temper rising, “So, if it was only a few months for you, why does your new drell bodyguard have the hots for you?”

Shepard laughed, “First, he’s not my bodyguard. I don’t need one. Second, it’s a mutual attraction, because unlike you, he lets my actions speak for me and not the color of my ship. The fact that I have aliens on my crew should tell you who is really running it.”

“It didn’t take much for you to move on did it?”

“It didn’t take much for you to discount me.”

“Shepard, you died. Pardon me for having a hard time accepting that.”

“If it had been reversed and you had died, I wouldn’t have questioned you.”

Kaidan looked over at her. She was standing with her arms folded and staring at him. He turned back to the window. She was right. If he had died and come back, she would have dropped everything and ran to him. She would size him up in milliseconds and determine he was still the same, no matter what colors he was wearing. She would trust that his motives were pure and she would have pressed him to explain so she could understand why he had switched sides. He suddenly felt like a fool. Garrus was right. He was so concerned with Cerberus he had missed the real threat. The Collectors, the Reapers. He knew they were real, he’d seen them himself. A loud roar sounded from somewhere below them and startled him out of his thoughts. Shepard chuckled.

“What was that?”

“My krogan.”

“I don’t think Wrex would like you calling him that.”

“Not Wrex. He’s on Tuchanka. He’s a clan leader now.”

“Huh. Who would have guessed?”

_I am krrrooogaaan!_ “That, that is Grunt.”

“Grunt?”

“Yes, my adolescent tank bred krogan son.”

“Wait, what?”

The sound of seals popping made them fall silent. She held up a hand to forestall his question and began systematically searching their small room. There wasn’t anything out of place. Her brow furrowed.

Toombs came charging into the room and shoved a gun in her face, “I thought I told you to turn off that shit!”

“I did. It’s not my fault you can’t cover your tracks.”

“What kind of freak show are you running?”

“Freak show?” She knocked his gun away. “Don’t you dare talk about my crew that way.”

“And why not?”

“They are each unique among their people. They are no more freaks than I am. The galaxy’s best assassin has a son; the asari Justicar had three daughters, now only two; the salarian professor has lingering quilt over past assignments; the tank bred krogan has a human battle master; the best thief in the galaxy is mourning a lost love; the founder of the Blue Suns was shot in the head and lived; the quarian engineer got accused of treason and finding her father’s corpse helped prove her innocence; the genetically perfect biotic has a sister that she would do anything to protect; the true-blue military man made peace with his father; the turian vigilante lost his squad and blamed himself; the angry biotic girl has come to terms with her past of torture.”

“And you, their fearless leader, back from the dead.” Toombs taunted.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

Toombs faltered for a minute, “Why you, Shepard?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you have to go to Cerberus?”

“I didn’t, Toombs. I died and they brought me back. I’m choosing to use them to save our colonies. I’m not with them and I never will be. I haven’t forgotten anyone from Akuze. I still have nightmares about it, actually.”

“Bull-fucking-shit.” He pulled a small device out of his pocket that looked suspiciously like a detonator and pressed the button. The room shook violently. Kaiden grabbed his head, writhing in pain and the window shattered, sending hundreds of pinpricks into Shepard’s back as she fell to her knees. Her vision swam as she tried to hang on to consciousness. She saw Kaiden slump backwards toward the ruined window and lunged forward to stop his fall. Her fingers closed around some part of his clothing as she yanked him roughly away. He slid into the crates lined up on the far wall and lay unmoving. Her momentum carried her forward and her fuzzy consciousness registered that she was going head first out of the window. 


	18. Out the Window

Shepard thrust out her knees in an effort to slow herself down. This caused her to roll, shards of glass pricking her skin as she hit the floor. She skidded for an instant before seeing the edge of shattered frame and she threw out her arm in a desperate attempt to catch the edge. Her fingers caught the glass lined rim of the window and she fought with all she had to hold on. The sharp edges started to bite into her fingers enough for the blood to slicken her hold. The fuzziness of whatever Toombs had done was banished in light of the pain and she looked down, desperately searching for something else to land on. Four floors down, there was a small balcony. Better than thirty floors to the ground. She started to swing her hips, hoping to get enough momentum to land on it and not have to repeat her attempt at trapeze. On her third swing, her fingers slipped. She let out a surprised yelp and tried to think of a plan b. Strong hands grabbed hers, holding her in place. She looked up at the teal scaled fingers wrapped around her wrist. Kolyat hoisted her up easily.

“Thanks,” she said breathlessly. A quick glance around told her the place was in chaos. Her crew was pinned by a never ending stream of mercs wearing armor matching Toombs’. She was in her fatigues with no weapon and an aching back. This would be fun.

“Yeah, Grunt said humans don’t look much worse splattered on the ground, but he didn’t want to clean up the mess.”

She barked out a laugh, “I’ll just bet.” She raised her voice, “Garrus! Got a spare?” A half second later, a pistol went sailing through the air. She caught it, loaded, and fired in one motion.

“You alive, Shepard?”

“No, I died again!” Someone laughed off to the left. “Can someone get a singularity going or something?”

“No can do, boss lady. Your friend set off some sort of sonic blast that fried everyone’s biotics. At least for now.” Jack answered.

“Wonderful. Where’s Kaidan?”

“Sleeping it off in the corner.”

“Even better. Keep the pressure on!”

The fight went on and on. Shepard stayed low in cover, moving only when she had a clear break. She finally stumbled into cover next to Thane.

“Hey, you.”

“Siha. I thought you said there would be no bullets today.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t plan for everything. You okay?”

“No worse than ever. You are hurt.” He glanced to the blood running down her back and arms. She didn’t seem to care.

“I am? Naw, I’m fine. Need any ammo?”

“I am running low, yes.”

“Cover me!” She leapt out of cover and dashed ahead. She gathered an armful of clips and ran back, “Here.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I enjoy surprising you,” She grinned and planted a kiss on his lips and made to run off again. He grabbed her arm and held her in place.

“Siha, please rest. You are in no condition to be fighting like this.”

“I told you, I’m fine. It’s just scratches.”

He held up her bloody hand, “This is not just a scratch.”

“And it’s not affecting my ability to help my team. So stop worrying. And thank your son for pulling my sorry ass up.”

“What?”

“Oh, yeah. I fell out the window earlier. Kolyat made sure Grunt didn’t have to scrape me off the sidewalk.”

“Siha.”

“Gotta go!” She sprinted away. He smiled. That woman was insane. And he loved it.

She slid in next to Zaeed and dropped a few thermal clips at his feet. A merc with a rocket launcher came around the corner. She pulled his sniper rifle off of his back, took aim and fired. It went straight into the barrel and caused it to explode, clearing the door way.

“Nice shot.”

“I like my Widow better.” She handed him the rifle back. “Get out here, Toombs.”

Toombs rounded the corner with a small band of thugs. He didn’t look in the least concerned by the situation.

“The time has come, Commander, for you to decide.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s unfortunate your entire crew is here, but it will change nothing. Who should die today?” With a gesture, his men stepped forward, breaking off into two groups. One trained their weapons on Kaidan, who had pulled himself into a sitting position against the crates, the other on Thane, who was standing ridged next to his son.

“What are you doing?”

“You made it out of Akuze alive. You chose to work with the people who caused it. It’s time you pay. I want you to feel the pain all those families did when you came home and their loved ones didn’t. Who are you going to kill today?”

“You.” She spat.

“If anyone takes a shot at me, they both die. And don’t say neither of them. That will afford the same result. Think carefully, now.”

Shepard glared at him. She knew her crew was the best and they could most likely end this without either man getting hurt, but she couldn’t risk it. Toombs had already shown impressive foresight by disabling any biotics in the area. He could have any number of backups in place. She figured she had two options. She could choose between them, or create a third choice. She walked over the window and turned to face them. She stepped back so her heels hung off the edge. She brought the pistol up and pressed it to her temple.

“No, I’m done choosing people’s fate.” She clicked the safety off, “You try for my gun, and I’ll jump. Either one of them dies, I pull the trigger. Now call off your men.”

“You think I care about you?”

“No, but they do.”

“Siha, please. Put the gun down. There is no need for this.”

“Shepard, don’t.”

She inched her left foot back. “Your time is running out, Toombs. Them or me. And if I go, so do you.”

He stared at her, “What will this accomplish, Commander?”

“Proving a point. I lost a lot of good soldiers on Akuze. I remember every one of their names, what they looked like, how they died. Do you, Toombs? Or are you so lost in revenge that you have forgotten why you started it?”

His glare softened and he uncrossed his arms. “I want them to pay for what they did to me.”

“So how is doing this to me and my crew accomplishing that?”

“You’re with them. You’re their new poster child.”

“No, I’m not. I’m the one that’s going to blow it up from the inside.”

Toombs regarded her coolly. The air was tense and silent. He finally spoke, “Fucking liar.”

“Don’t make a mistake, Toombs. If you let us all go, this can end peacefully.”

“There is only peace in death,” he said as he tackled her out of the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay, holidays and family stuff and just life. Hope it's still a good read!


	19. Kill Switch

Everyone surged forward to peer over the edge, fearing the worst. Four floors down, Toombs was lying on the balcony unconscious but alive. There was no sign of Shepard.

“Battle master?” Grunt called.

“Shepard?” Garrus yelled.

“Yeah shouting isn’t gonna help me out. Get down here!” Shepard yelled back. A collective sigh of relief came from the group as they turned and hurried down the stairs. Thane hung back and drug Kaidan up by his collar.

“You will stay away from Ceres. If I see you near her, I will not hesitate to kill you.”

“Don’t talk to me like that.” Kaidan hissed.

“I will speak to you in the manor you deserve. You have hurt her once and I will not allow it to happen again.”

“Where do you get off?”

“Unfortunately, I am not familiar with that human term. It is not one my Siha uses. So I will say again, you will stay away from her if you have any sense.” He released the human and stalked after the group. By the time he joined them, they had pulled Shepard up and Mordin was scanning her with his omni-tool. His lips were set in a grim line. Thane took her into his arms, “Siha.”

“Ow.”

“My apologies.”

“Don’t worry about it. My back is sore, that’s all.”

“Back is not a problem. Minor cuts.” Mordin said, “Dislocated shoulder also minor.”

“Great. Can we go back to the ship now?”

“Yes. Need to speak with you.”

“What about?” Shepard narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

“Medical matters.”

Shepard sighed, realizing she wouldn’t get anything else out the salarian. “Alright. Someone call the Alliance. Tell them Toombs needs mental help.”

“Shepard.”

She looked around Mordin to see Kaidan leaning against the door. Thane helped her to her feet and she walked slowly over to him. “Yes?”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.” She walked past him without another glance.

“Shepard, your chest is bleeding.” Garrus said.

She sighed heavily. “Of course. Mordin, is there anything else you can do besides stitches? It’s not working out.”

“The point was to remind you to take it easy,” Miranda said, shaking her head.

“Oh, well it didn’t work,” Shepard replied with a shrug.

“What exactly was that for?” Kolyat asked.

The commander glanced at Thane before responding, “Mordin needed a lung sample.”

Kolyat blinked rapidly and looked between the human and his father. The pieces clicked and he shook his head in disbelief. He fell into step in silence behind them as they made their way back to the ship.

 ..............................

Shepard sat on the spare table in Mordin’s lab with her legs crossed Indian style and her elbows on her knees. She was still bleeding from the glass lodged in her back. She had refused treatment until she had spoken with Mordin. Thane kept close to her, worried for the strain she had been under. Kolyat had left them at the rapid transit bidding them good bye on the pretense of having to be to work early. They had walked back to the ship in relative silence after that.

“Anomaly now emitting energy signature counter to cybernetics.” Mordin said.

“Wait, something activated it?” Miranda asked.

“Believe it was sonic pulse.”

“Okay, what are you talking about?” Shepard said.

“Small device implanted in chest during reconstruction. When activated, emits low level energy to interfere with existing neural networks. Over time, networks will weaken and collapse.”

“Are you saying…that there’s a kill switch in my chest?”

“Basically, yes.”

Shepard turned cold eyes to Miranda, “Did you know about this?”

“No. I would never have put anything harmful in you.”

“You sure? Because you wanted a control chip.”

“A control chip that would have been nonlethal. This runs counterproductive to the whole project!”

Shepard ground her teeth together. She knew Miranda was telling the truth. “Then how did it get there?”

“I wish I knew.”

“Excuse me, but did you say that it had been activated?” Thane interjected.

“Yes. Sonic pulse overrode programmed command signals.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Shepard asked.

“Of course. Have small implant that will suppress the energy waves. Will go in with new biotic amp.”

“It’s not a perfect solution, Shepard. It will only delay the decay. We weren’t expecting it to activate.” Miranda said glumly.

“Can’t you just take it out?”

“Tamper resistant. Risk too high.” Mordin said firmly.

Shepard hopped off the table and pulled her hair to the side, “Give me the implant.”

Mordin set to work quickly. Thane watched him with detached interest. “How long?”

“Months. Maybe a year.”

In that moment, Thane’s heart splintered. He fought hard to keep control of his raging emotions. She had given him more time to live, yet had lost her own. Were the gods so cruel? Sensing his distress, she reached for his hand. He took hers in a strong grip. He felt if he would let go, she would vanish. Mordin finished his work and stepped back. Shepard straightened up.

“Will continue to search for long term solution.”

“I know.”

“Shepard…” Miranda wrung her hands, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let this happen.”

“You didn’t do it, Miri. It’s alright. I’ll get through this.”

The dark haired woman smiled and Shepard returned it, “I’m going to make a stop in my cabin and then I guess I’ll head down to Dr. Chakwas to get my back looked at.”

“Thane, stay. Need to check biotic amp.” Mordin said. Thane nodded. Shepard squeezed his hand and left the room.

............................ 

Thane went to the med bay as soon as Mordin was finished with him. He was worried about leaving Shepard alone for any amount of time after hearing what they found. Thinking about it made his heart constrict. He walked into a room empty, save the doctor.

“Ah, Thane, hello. Do you need something?” She asked lightly.

“I thought Ceres would be down here.”

“She’s supposed to be. I figured she was still with Mordin.”

“No, she left his lab over ten minutes ago.”

“EDI, where is the commander?”

“Commander Shepard is in her private quarters.”

“Could you tell her to come see me, please?”

“The Commander is not responding.” EDI said.

“Is she well?” Thane asked.

“She is conscious.”

“Is her cabin locked?”

“It is not.”

Thane was in the elevator by the time the AI’s answer came. As soon as the door opened wide enough for him to slip through, he was out of the elevator and at her room. It opened with hardly a sound. He immediately went to the bathroom. He chanced knocking in case she had ignored the AI on purpose. There wasn’t a sound. His worry peaked and he opened the door. What he saw made his blood run cold. Shepard was on the floor with her legs folded under her and her arms resting lightly next to them. Her crimson blood was dripping down her shoulders and arms and hands, leaving small pools and smudges on the tile. Her black tank top was wet with the blood running down her back and seeping from the incision on her chest. She had her eyes squeezed shut against the silent sobs that shook her lithe frame. Thane had seen his Siha display a great many emotions, but never once had he thought her fragile or vulnerable until this moment. He wanted to comfort her but he didn’t know where he could touch that wouldn’t cause her more pain.

“Siha?”

“Don’t.”

He knelt next to her, folding his hands in his lap. “May I help?”

“It doesn’t change anything.”

“I know.”

She looked over at him. He was surprised to see her eyes tinted red, not blue. She was furious. “If those bastards want me dead, why bring me back in the first place?”

He had no answer, so he offered none.

“Why spend over four billion credits to bring me back only to send me on a suicide mission with a kill switch?”

He remained silent, but shifted closer to her.

“I’ll make them regret this. I won’t die. I’ll prove them all wrong and shove their statistics up their asses. I’ll make it through this for no other reason than to spite them.”

That sounded like his Siha. He placed his hand over her bloody one. She started to pull away but he held it as tightly as he dared. She looked from their hands back to his face and down at their hands again. She turned hers in his so she could hold it properly. He gave a gentle squeeze, which she returned.

“I should get to the med bay.”

He brought his other hand up to cup her face and wiped the tears away with his thumb. She gave him a weak smile. He stood and pulled her up with him. He put an arm around her waist and led her to the elevator. He was ashamed. He was weak with anxiety over the recent news and she was standing strong and steady, ready to face it down just like any other foe. A sudden wave of pride swelled his chest. This was the same woman fighting for him. On that short elevator ride, a deep calm settled over his soul. As long as Shepard was drawing breadth, the galaxy would not fall to the Reapers or any other foe that dared to threaten it.


	20. Skipper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't been very consistent with this. Unfortunately, I recently had a near death experience and I'm working on bouncing back from that. On the up side, it gave me marvelous insight for part of this (attempting dark humor...). I thank you for your continued support of this story and of me as an author.

It had been almost two weeks since that awful day in Mordin’s lab. Thane sat meditating in Life Support on Shepard’s orders. He had stayed close to her where ever she went. She hadn’t minded in the least, but she was in the meeting room with the Illusive Man discussing a Cerberus operative they found tortured to death on the last mission. She had told him to take some time for himself and that she would find him when she was done. He had been hesitant, but agreed when she flashed him her Commander look. The crew was kept in the dark regarding her health. She figured it was better for them to think everything was normal than worry them with her mortality in the final weeks before the suicide mission. Thane blinked at the drive core. He checked the time and raised a brow ridge in surprise. She had been indisposed for quite some time. She usually tried to limit her chats with the Illusive Man as much as was possible with a man who loved the sound of his own voice as much as he did. EDI’s blue orb popped up behind him.

“Mordin has been called up to the Commander’s quarters. She asked I inform you.” EDI said.

“My thanks,” he said as he stood and left the room. His worry blossomed anew. Mordin had never been called to her cabin before. She would always go see the salarian in his lab with questions or concerns she had. His mind raced with reasons why and they got worse and worse as the elevator carried him to her floor.

Shepard was gripping the edge of the bathroom counter hard enough to turn her knuckles white and make the metal groan. Mordin was standing to the right of her, scanning her back. Thane stood in the doorway, silent. The salarian tapped his omni-tool off and shook his head.

“Nothing I can do.”

Shepard groaned.

“Siha?”

She marginally turned her head toward Thane. It was just enough that he could see the pain on her face. Her entire body was ridged.

“Widespread muscle spasms, causing extreme pain and degeneration. Muscle relaxers no longer beneficial. Will look into alternate methods.” Mordin frowned, “I’m sorry, Shepard.”

She gave a snort that he took to mean _not your fault_. Mordin nodded.

“Is the implant working correctly?” Thane asked.

“Yes. Stalled degeneration. Giving more time.” He took a deep breath. “May not be enough. Doing everything possible.”

Shepard offered him a smile. He nodded again and left without another word.

“Can I help?”

“Don’t think so,” she ground out.

Seeing her like this was breaking his heart. “How long had this been a problem?”

“Week.”

“Why did you not tell me?”

“Not worry.”

“Siha, I will worry always. You needn’t concern yourself with that.”

“Didn’t think…it would…get bad fast,” she forced out between gritted teeth.

“Siha-”

Her legs shuddered and she fell to the floor with a subdued howl of pain. Thane wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. He could feel her coiled muscles twitching beneath her skin. He stroked her back and hummed an old lullaby. After several long minutes, she fell still except for her breathing. He lifted her off the floor and took her to her bed. He laid her down gently before sliding himself in next to her. She put her head on his chest and curled into him, whimpering softly.

.................... 

“You so wish, Vakarian!”

“Oh, I know, Shepard.”

“Are you kidding me?” Jacob threw his hands up in frustration. Ken laughed and showed his winning hand. Jack whooped and pumped her fist. Shepard and Garrus shared a knowing laugh. Thane sat at the opposite end of the table watching the card game unfold. No one suspected that, three hours ago, the commander had collapsed from pain on her bathroom floor. She was unchanged in the public eye. If he didn’t know better, Thane wouldn’t have seen much of a difference. She sat with her arms in her lap instead of on the table and her back straight and away from the back of the chair. She was trying to let as little of her tender body touch hard surfaces as possible. He idly wondered if he really would have noticed the difference if he hadn’t known already. And if he did notice, would he have cared, or brushed it off as typical soreness from another day at work? It was startling how well the woman could hide it. He knew she was in untold amounts of pain, yet no one else could see it, for no other reason than she didn’t want them to know. Anyone else would be laid up in bed, crying and lamenting their fate. But Commander Shepard didn’t know how to lie down and take it. She was a fighter and she would fight until the end. He was once again filled with awe and pride that this Siha had chosen him. More and more, he was beginning to question if she was a Siha, or something far more potent.

 ...................

Shepard had found another anomaly mining and was too happy to get off the ship and investigate it. She was putting off the derelict Reaper as much as she could, but she knew time was running out in every possible way. She decided this was to be the second to last thing they did before going to the dead ship. She still had one more thing she wanted to do and she was afraid to put it off any longer.

She, Thane and Grunt hopped off the shuttle, guns ready. This place reminded Shepard of Eden Prime and she rolled her shoulders to relieve the tension she felt building there. Mordin had warned her that the more stressed she let herself get, the faster she would ‘degrade’. She felt a headache coming on so she turned to her squad.

“Let’s make this quick.”

Grunt nodded and took off in search of something to shoot. Thane held her eyes for a moment longer before falling in behind her. They easily caught up with the young krogan and pushed forward. They encountered no resistance until they entered the building. Shepard was thrown back to another mission from before she died where the entire complex had been overrun with husks. She shook her head, trying to clear the fog from her mind. _Kaidan isn’t here and Ash is dead. This isn’t even the same planet._ She took a deep breath and kept going.

An inhuman cry made her stop and bring her gun up. Thane and Grunt looked around for the cause, but there was nothing. She glanced at them, “Did you not hear that?”

“No.”

“I heard nothing.”

She shook her head again and rolled her shoulders. In the next room, there was a terminal and a door. She hacked through both in no time and they started their sweep of the next room. Shepard heard another cry and stopped dead.

“Tell me someone heard that.”

“What, Battle Master?”

“Siha, there is nothing.”

She rubbed the back of her neck, “Must be going nuts. It sounds like husks.”

“At least it would be something to kill,” Grunt barked.

“Are you well?” Thane asked, concern lacing his words.

“Yeah, fine.” She shrugged it off and walked away. She could feel his eyes on her back as she continued her sweep of the room. She rounded a corner and cried out in surprise. Ashley was sitting on a crate, checking her pistol.

“Hey, Skipper. It’s about time you showed up.”

“Uh…Hi, Ash.”

“Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I’m not really sure what to call this.”

“Call what?”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but you died.”

Ash laughed, “Yeah, so did you. What’s your point?”

Shepard blinked at her. She didn’t know what to think about this.

“Skipper? Hey, reality to Skipper!”

Everything started to get fuzzy around the edges, “Maybe I should go lay down.”

“Yeah, you don’t look so hot. Where’s the green guy? He’ll help you out.”

“Siha?”

“Speak of the devil! Don’t be rude. Introduce us!” Ash held out her hand to Thane.

Shepard’s vision blurred and she reached for the outstretched hand to steady herself. Her fingers slipped through and she fell to her hands and knees. She stared at the floor, willing it to hold still.

“Siha, you are not well.”

“Can you see her?”

“Who?”

“Ashley. She’s sitting right there.”

Thane looked up the crates. There was no one there. He looked back to Shepard.

“She’s not there, is she?”

“Of course I’m here, Skipper. Where else would I be?”

Shepard groaned and held her head. Thane drew her closer to his chest. His concern was edging toward panic, even if his face didn’t show it. They needed to get back to the ship.

“Uh, Skipper, we got company!”

Shepard looked up just in time to see a group of husks and gold-armored mercs come dashing toward them. She reared back in alarm. Thane drew his SMG and dove for cover, expecting Shepard to follow. Instead, she stood her ground, charging her biotics.

“Siha!”

“Skipper?”

With a strangled scream, she sent a powerful wave of energy at the advancing line. It hit them with unstoppable force and threw them with bone crushing strength into the far wall. The last thing she remembered was the floor coming up to meet her.


	21. Alchera

_My head…_

“She said she heard husks.”

_Thane?_

“Where there any?”

_Doctor…_

“None.”

Shepard groaned. “Light…”

The light went out and she hesitantly opened her eyes. Everything was still fuzzy. There were cool fingers holding her hand against the bed and a soft beeping coming from her left. She blinked, trying to clear the haze. When the room finally came into focus, she could see she was in the med bay with Mordin, Dr. Chakwas and Thane. She put her free hand to her head and rubbed it.

“How long?”

“Two hours.”

She struggled into a sitting position, “The crew?”

“Thinks you overloaded your amp.”

“Good.” The haze was almost completely gone. Judging by the headache she had, it wasn’t a total lie. Her amp felt fried.

“What happened, Commander?”

“I saw Ash.”

“What was she doing?”

“Sitting on a crate, messing with her gun. She looked good for dead.”

“Good sign. Can still tell reality from fiction.” Mordin said as he made a note.

“Some would say the same about you, Shepard,” Miranda commented as the door closed behind her.

Shepard managed to quirk a half smile.

“Have new amp, new implant. Different method, should help.”

“Grand. Do it. Then I’m going to shower.”

Thane sat in silence, still holding her hand. It amazed him how fast she bounced back. It was almost as if it came in waves or attacks, like his Kepral’s. He prayed to every god that this new implant would help her more than the last one. She lay back on the bed, on her side to give Mordin access to the back of her head. It didn’t take long.

“Done.”

“Thanks.” She sat up and rolled her shoulders.

“Good news.”

“Oh?”

“Finished treatment for Thane.”

Shepard smiled and bounced with excitement. “That’s wonderful!” She looked over to Thane and squeezed his hand.

“Can administer now. Ample time for rest.”

She raised an eyebrow at the drell.

“What would I need to do?”

“Sleep.” Mordin said simply.

“It’s that simple?” Shepard asked.

“Yes. Is breathable treatment. Sleeping provides consistent breathing patterns, best way to administer.” Mordin held up a mask that would fit over Thane’s mouth and nose.

“How long will it take?”

“Four hours to administer, twelve to take effect.”

“And we have two days before we’ll make it to the Reaper. Now sounds like a good time.”

Thane took both of Shepard’s hands in his, “You are not well.”

“I’ll be fine for a few hours. Miranda can babysit me, if it’ll make you feel better. But you need to do this.”

He studied her face. She looked well enough at the moment and he knew that she was right about timing. He nodded once, “Very well.”

She grinned and kissed his forehead, “I’ll get out of the way, then.”

“Should rest, Shepard.”

“I will. I was going to shower and then try to nap. My head still feels like someone drove the Mako over it.”

Dr. Chakwas gave her a wry smile, “And how would you know what that feels like, Commander?”

Shepard laughed and followed Miranda out of the room.

“I’ll be in my office if you need anything, Shepard. Don’t hesitate to call if you don’t feel right, okay?”

“Of course. Honestly, I just want to sleep. I’m beat.”

Miranda nodded once and turned toward her office. Shepard made her way to the elevator and pushed the key for the CIC. The ride was short and she bee-lined for Joker.

“Hey, Commander. Glad to see you up and around.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Here are the coordinates for where I want to go next. Don’t say a word to anyone. That’s an order. That goes for you, too, EDI.”

“Understood, Commander.” The AI replied.

He glanced down at the numbers and frowned before looking back to her. She nodded and he gave her a sympathetic look before plotting a course.

“ETA thirty five minutes.’

“Thanks, Joker.”

.................... 

Maybe it was a bad idea to go to Alchera alone. Maybe she should have asked if the new implant would have any negative side effects. Maybe she should have just slept.

The elevator ride was dauntingly slow. Shepard could feel every lurch and bump with sickening clarity and dug her fingers into her palms in a desperate effort to keep control of herself. She had spent longer than she thought on the icy planet searching for all twenty dog tags. She wasn’t prepared for how being in the wreck of her ship would affect her. She ground her teeth together. She was positive that was part of the reason she was feeling so weak in the knees right now. Leaning against the wall, she did her best to stifle a pathetic groan. Could this thing possibly go any slower? It felt like she had gone from the top of the ship to the bottom twice without realizing it. When it finally opened on her floor Shepard stumbled into her cabin, crashing into the door frame and dropping her old helmet. The floor was moving under her feet and her vision was swimming dangerously. She felt acid in her throat and propelled herself to the bathroom. She didn’t even notice the figure standing by the fish tank.

Thane had looked up when he heard the elevator open. Without warning, Shepard had lurched into the room, dropping a cracked helmet in her haste to get to the bathroom. He examined the helmet without touching it. It was dented and cracked, the paint was chipped and there seemed to be dried blood. With a jolt, he realized it was her old N7 helmet. She was wearing it when she…

A whimper from the bathroom brought his attention back. He entered cautiously. Shepard was on her hands and knees, shaking. Her bottom lip was stained red with blood.

“Siha, you are not well enough to leave the ship.”

“Yeah, I figured that out.”

“Why did you?”

She wiped her mouth on a gloved hand, “Had to.”

“You are not required to do anything but rest today.”

She sat back on her feet and looked up at him, “I had to go, Thane. I needed to give the families peace. I had to honor my crew. I needed to see it.”

Her eyes were haunted, hollow, dead. Thane sucked in a breath. “Siha,” he pulled her closer, “You are not alone. I am here for you, but you must let me help. You do not have to bear everything alone.”

Hearing those words, the previously unspoken bond between them, caused tears to sting her eyes. “I’m sorry. No one else has ever…I’ve always…Oh Thane. I’m scared.”

“Of what, Siha?” He ran his fingers through her hair.

“Leaving you. It wouldn’t have mattered before, but now there’s someone waiting for me to come home every night and I’m letting you down.”

“You are doing no such thing. You could never let me down.”

“But I am. I’m…leaving and I can’t stop it. You deserve more. You have more time than I do.”

“Siha-”

“No, Thane. You should have someone alive to spend your time with. I’m just a machine.”

“You are not.”

“Humans don’t have a kill switch!”

He brought up her bloodied, gloved hand. “Machines don’t bleed.”


	22. Heartbeat

When she had finally let him pull her off the bathroom floor, he insisted on helping her out of her armor. When she was standing in just her underwear, he gave her a cursory check for injuries. There were none, but she was getting thin, he noticed. Thane made a mental note to make sure she was eating as he took a step back. He wasn’t completely surprised when her lips met his and it took every ounce of self-control he had not to push her onto the bed and take her. As if reading his thoughts, Shepard slid her hands under his jacket and worked it off of his shoulders.

“Siha, are you sure this is wise?”

“I want to feel alive, Thane.”

That was all it took. He let his coat fall and tossed it on the couch. She fumbled with his vest. He put his hands over hers when he realized they were shaking.

“Siha, are you feeling well?”

“Yes, just jittery. I need to relax. Mordin said staying clam would help.”

Thane kissed her neck, “And how do you usually relax?”

Shepard groaned and tightened her grip on his shoulders, “Shower, or yoga.”

“I do not know how to do your yoga.” He let another soft kiss on her neck, “So we will shower.”

“But the steam…”

“Will not be a problem. The treatment has stopped any further degeneration.”

“I thought it took a while to work.”

“Then I do not care. I wish to help you.”

“I can’t let you do that.” She pulled away from him.

“I will not allow you to risk yourself further.”

“Uh, Thane, I’m leading a suicide mission.”

He smiled, “Which is why I will take care of you when you are not needed for that.”

Shepard pressed closer and buried her face in his chest, “Thank you.”

He held her tightly and ran his fingers through her hair. She kissed the scales on his chest and he shrugged off his vest. She trailed her lips lightly back up to his and he cupped the back of her head in one hand to keep them there. He loosened his pants and she bounced up to wrap her legs around his waist. He walked backward up the stairs, kicking his pants off just outside the bathroom. With deft fingers, he pulled her bra loose and left it with his pants. In one fluid motion, Shepard slid off of him and dropped their remaining garments on the floor. Without relinquishing her hold of his mouth, she turned on the water to just this side of scalding and melted into it. He pressed her back against the wall and kissed from her jaw line down to her chest and back up again. Her back arched closer to him and he placed one hand on the small of it to keep her close. She leaned her head forward and kissed the red folds of his neck, eliciting a moan from him. She smiled against him. He pushed the damp hair out of her face and took one of her hands and placed it on his chest.

“What do you feel?” He asked quietly.

“Your heartbeat.”

He moved her hand to her own chest, “Now?”

“My heartbeat.”

Thane brought her fingers to his lips and kissed them softly, “A machine does not have a heartbeat, Siha. You are as alive as I am.”

.................. 

They lay together, wearing nothing but her sheets and sharing a stolen moment while the rest of the ship hummed beneath them. Thane looked down on the sleeping woman. She looked younger when she rested. He brushed a stray bit of hair off her forehead and kissed the exposed skin softly. Shepard sighed and shifted in his arms. Her nose brushed his chest and he smiled. He stroked her back and rested his hand between her shoulder blades.

_Th-thump._

_Th-thump._

_Th-thump._

_Th-da-thump._

Thane pressed his hand to her back harder, his brow creasing. Her heartbeat felt…off. He wasn’t an expert in human anatomy, but it was different now than it the last time he had shared her bed.

_Th-thump._

_Th-thump._

_Th-thump._

_Th-da-thump._

No, it wasn’t right. There was a hitch that shouldn’t be there. He made a note to ask Mordin about it as soon as he was able. Shepard shifted, drawing his attention back to her. She was still asleep, much to his relief. Thane moved his hand away from her back and up to her hair where he coiled the silky strands around his fingers. A soft gasp followed by a sleepy cough made him freeze. She coughed again, this one waking her. She pressed a hand to her mouth as she tried to muffle the sound. Her body shuddered with the force and he held her tightly, his worry jumping up a few more notches. She heaved a ragged breath before looking up at him.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said softly.

He was speechless for an instant; she was slowly dying and still more concerned for him. He was deeply touched as he spoke, “I was not sleeping, Siha.”

“Mmm,” she hummed. She made no move to leave the bed. Instead she cuddled closer and closed her eyes again, “I’m so tired, love.”

“So sleep. I will be here.”

Shepard kissed his chest, “You’re always here.”

Her breathing evened out as she slipped back into sleep. He pressed her closer to him, reassuring himself that she was really with him and he was not trapped in some perverse nightmare. He breathed in her earthy spice. He took another deep breath and couldn’t suppress the smile entirely. The pain was still there, but the heaviness was gone, all because of the wonderful woman in his arms. His heart dropped painfully when he thought of her waning health. He couldn’t lose her, he just couldn’t.

................... 

“I noticed it when she was asleep.”

“What about when she’s awake?”

“No.”

Mordin put his fingers to his lips in thought. “Not affecting ability to fight. Yet. Hmm.”

Thane watched the salarian bustle around his lab, muttering half sentences and interrupting himself. He stopped suddenly and smiled.

“Can help. Out. Must work.”

Without another word, Thane bowed and left the lab. He wandered back up to her room and found it empty. He fed her fish and straightened the bed before leaving. He wasn’t sure where she had gone, but he clamped down on his worry. She was a grown woman and she was the commander of this ship. She didn’t have to tell him every time she left her room. He could always ask EDI. No, that was not his place. Shepard would call for him if she needed him. Thane fixed himself a cup of tea and disappeared into life support. He would meditate until he was needed.


	23. External Monitoring Device

Three and a half hours. Where could Shepard be? She was still on the ship, he knew that much. EDI hadn’t been able to give any other information, under the commander’s orders. Thane thought of searching for her, but he kept stopping himself short. She was a grown woman and the commander of this ship. If anything had happened to her, someone would have told him, of that he was certain. He opened his eyes to stare at the drive core. He decided that he would wait another thirty minutes before he gave in and sought her out.

“Sere Krios?”

“Yes, EDI?”

“The commander is in the mess hall if you wish to speak with her.”

“My thanks.”

Thane pushed back from the table, carefully controlling his motions. He left the room and made his way to the mess. Shepard was leaning against the counter waiting for water to boil.

“Siha.”

“Thane!”

“Where have you been?”

She looked down sheepishly, “I was meditating with Samara. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I did it on a whim.”

He took her hand in his, “I am glad you are well.”

“Am I ever? Now I know why you do it. I feel great.” She smiled and gave his hand a squeeze before making herself a cup of hot chocolate. She raised the cup to her lips and took a tentative sip. He watched her closely. The stiffness that had held her ridged these past weeks was gone, as was the general air of exhaustion that haunted her eyes. She was still not as she was before, but she was better than she had been earlier.

 

“So what exactly is this?” Shepard asked as she gestured to the small device on the lab table.

“External monitoring device. Signal dampener. Will monitor vitals and give off energy pulse to counteract ‘kill switch’.” Mordin said proudly.

She smiled, “Great! Where will it go?”

“Above internal switch.”

Without hesitation, she pulled off her shirt. “Set it up.”

Mordin worked quickly and she was soon outfitted with a small black and blue device no bigger than her pinky. Mordin wiped the trickle of blood away. She pulled her shirt back on and set about carefully tucking it back in.

“Should help.”

“Thanks, Mordin.”

“Happy to help.”

“Oh, um, I’m sorry for the things I said when you were taking a lung sample.”

He waved it off, “Have been called worse. Actions appropriate in situation. Was never offended.”

Shepard smiled at him, “You’re a good man.”

He smiled back and hummed in response. With a wave, she left his lab and made her way to elevator. She greeted Kelly and chatted while she waited for the doors to open. Bidding her yeoman farewell, she pressed the button for her floor. She whistled a melody on the ride up. She was still whistling when she entered her room. Thane looked up from where he was sitting at the desk.

“Hey, you. What are you doing?” She asked cheerfully.

“I was recording a message to Kolyat.”

“I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“You did not.” He stood and took her in his arms, “You were with Mordin?”

“Mmhmm. He gave me a new little attachment that he said would help.” She kissed the exposed scales of his chest.

“How are you feeling?”

“Good. Ready to hit that Reaper. We’ll be there in twenty three hours.”

“Are you sure you are well enough?”

“Yes. Even if I wasn’t, I don’t have much of a choice. I’ve put it off long enough. How are you? Did that treatment help?”

Thane smiled against her hair. This was a question she asked regularly, assuring herself that he was still alright. “Yes, Siha. I am as well as ever.”

“Good. I need a shower and was dreading taking one alone.” She looked up and grinned at him.

“Then let me ease your mind.” He pressed his lips to hers and started walking her backwards to the bathroom.

 

Her sheets were a damp mess around them. She arched into him, pressing their bodies closer. He rolled his hips faster, lips seeking hers. Her nails carved lines down his back as she moaned his name.

They lay in a breathless heap, him still on top of her. She traced lazy circles on his shoulders and he buried his face in her still-wet hair. Shepard kissed his cheek and he kissed her neck in response.

She sighed happily, “I’m exhausted.”

“As you should be, Siha.”

 “Of course, you’re not, are you?”

“I am relaxed. I have not done as much as you have.” He propped himself up on an elbow and lightly touched the small device affixed to her chest, “You are not yourself.”

She harrumphed and kissed his lips softly. He returned the gesture, smiling against her. His Siha was stubborn. She refused to believe that anything was wrong, despite the facts. He sighed against her, temporarily giving in. She laughed into his neck before he pushed himself off and laid next to her. She immediately curled against him, resting her head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around her and drew light patterns across her bare back until she drifted off to sleep.

 

_“Mom, where’s Vesta?” I bite back the urge to gag as I wipe the gore from my face._

_“She was still upstairs. I don’t know if she’s still there.”_

_I nod once and take off up the narrow staircase. I slowly open the door to her room and call, “V? It’s me. You still here?”_

_My sister shimmies out from under her bed, “When I heard the shot…God I’m glad you’re here!” She throws herself at me and I cling to her tightly._

_“Mom’s downstairs. Come on.”_

_“Wait, what about Dad?”_

_“I saw him on my way here. I told him to run to the forest. They’re only attacking from one side of the colony. He…was covered in blood. I don’t know if it was his or not.”_

_I watch the color drain from her face as she nods slowly. “Who else?”_

_I silently curse the fact that she knows me so well. “V-”_

_“C, please. They’re my friend too.”_

_I sigh heavily and look at the floor. I know she’s right. “Eric.” My voice breaks, “Right in front of me, V. I watched him…”_

_She pulls me into another tight hug. She doesn’t have to say anything, I already know. I pull away, my face hard. She takes a deep breath and we rush back downstairs._

_“Girls, come here.” My mom motions us to Dad’s gun safe. She starts handing us various weapons and we divide them up between us. The last thing she pulls out is two weapon holsters. We strap them on and set the guns in their places._

_“Mom, the forest is safe. Go that way. Dad’s waiting for you there. Take Vesta with you.”_

_“Ceres, what are you saying?”_

_I check the pistol in my hand before answering, “I’m saying I promised him that you two would get there safe. I’m going to see if anyone else is stuck here. I can’t leave them.”_

_“Absolutely not, Ceres Dia. You are coming with us and that’s final.”_

_I look up sharply at my mother, “No. I know the back alleys better than anyone. If those people have any hope, it’s me. I’d rather die saving them than survive being a coward. I don’t break my promises. Now, go.” I take her arm and turn her toward the door._

_She tries to protest again, but Vesta stops her, “She’s right, Mom. Dad might be hurt. We need to find him. She’ll come back to us, right?” She looks at me. Her eyes are deep russet, glowing with determination. I give her a grim smile and nod once. Our mother sighs and pulls me into a tight hug. She plants a kiss on my head before taking Vesta’s hand and heading out the back door. I watch them disappear and run out the front, into the heart of the colony._

_It’s a mess. Debris and bodies are strewn through the streets and the smell of smoke and death is heavy in the air. I push through, trying desperately to find anyone still alive. I find my favorite corner store burning bright. I hope no one is trapped in there as I shake my head and continue on. In a half charred back yard, I find a shed packed full of people. I usher them out and point them to the safest route I know. I hand one of the men my rifle. He nods to me before following the group. I cock my shotgun and cover their escape. Four shots, five slavers fall. I sigh heavily, pushing the feelings to the back of my mind. I quickly leave, hoping to draw any other batarians in the area after me. It works, but I’m soon cornered. They overpower me and drag me, kicking and screaming, to a clearing they have fenced in. They throw me with some other women, none much older than I am._

_“Fire any of your guns and they all die,” one spits at me. I growl in response._

_They take us one by one and cut our clothes off. Each alien claims the ‘animals’ that strike his fancy. When one comes to me, I bite his hand. He rears back and slaps me hard enough to split my lip. I spit the blood and stare back at him. He smiles at me and laughs darkly. I wish I had my pistol so I could blow his head off. He picks me up by my hair and drags me in front of everyone. I’m standing naked in front of the group. He gives me a change to cover myself as best I can with my hands, but I don’t. I stand straighter, denying him the control he wants._

_“This little one will make a fine example. Even the most determined will submit.” He thrusts his knee into my gut so hard I double over, gasping for breath. Two others come up behind me and pin me to the ground. I manage to kick three others hard enough to stagger them before they subdue me again. The one that dragged my around by my hair appeared above me, pulling at the clasps on his pants. I try to fight, to pull away, but the pressure on my shoulders becomes heavier, more solid. I feel my biotics flare as I fight harder. Scaled hands are shaking me gently._

Thane continued to shake her, despite her biotics dancing across her skin. Her eyes snapped open and the blue fire died. She pushed him away and rolled out of bed. She folded into the corner, hugging her knees to her chest. He looked at her with obvious concern. Shepard started straight ahead, forcing her breathing to slow. It was just a nightmare. It was over. She dug her nails so hard into the skin of her arms that she drew blood. The pain was a welcome distraction from the nausea that dream always brought. She gripped her arms tighter, sending pricks of pain shooting down them. She would not give in to them again. She would _not_. Shepard bit back the tears that wanted to fall hard enough to make her cheek bleed. She squeezed her eyes closed, willing the memories back into the box she locked them in. A soft touch on her arm caused her to push herself farther into the corner. Her eyes popped open to see Thane kneeling in front of her. She forced herself to relax into his touch. She was suddenly very self-conscious as she realized she was naked.

“Can you get me a blanket?”

Thane sat back and tugged the white one from her bed and handed it to her. Shepard tucked it around herself and mumbled her thanks.

“What was this one?” He asked softly, referring to the nightmare.

Careful to not look him in the eye, she answered, “Mindior again.”

He nodded slowly. Nightmares were a regular occurrence with the commander and he was not surprised, given the life she had. But some seemed to rile her up more than others and it was these that she staunchly refused to talk about it. He still asked, in case she needed the invitation to finally talk some of it out. This time was no different, however; as she shook her head. She usually would try to brush it off with humor by now, or pretend it never happened. Tonight, she was having trouble calming herself. He wanted desperately to comfort her, but the way she had reacted to his touch not long ago, he was at a loss. She finally reached for his hand.

“I’m sorry.”

“You have no need to be,” he replied.

Shepard shrugged. Thane brushed her hair back from her face and she gave him a small smile. He kissed her forehead gently and she allowed him to return her to the bed. He sat next to her and she scooted herself hesitantly into his lap. It took her several minutes to relax against him. Neither was able to fall back asleep.


	24. The Reaper

Shepard had showered and dressed by herself when it was finally time for her to see to her duties. They had a Reaper to prepare for and she couldn’t let her intimacy issues cloud her mind. She sighed heavily as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was getting long. It reached just passed her shoulders now. She was pale these days and she was getting thin. Someone would notice sooner or later. Maybe she could pass it off as stress from the mission. She smeared foundation on, giving her skin a healthier color and concealing the dark circles under her eyes. She smoothed it across her neck, fading it down to where the high neckline of her preferred uniform would cover it. She scowled when she remembered she left the jacket on the bed. With another sigh, she left the bathroom, knowing full well Thane deserved an explanation for what she wouldn’t say. What she saw gave her pause.

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“You are thin, Siha,” was his only response.

Shepard made her way down to the table that her lover had spread with a decadent breakfast. She smiled as she took a seat. He joined her a minute later. She looked at him and took his hand tightly in hers.

“I know you worry about the nightmares. One day, I’ll tell you. I just…need time. I never told anyone exactly what happened there. I’ve gotten good at burying it and it’s hard for me to think about, let alone put words to. You deserve to know…”

He silenced her with a soft kiss. “I will be here when you are ready.”

She gave him a grateful smile and turned her attention back to the food. She picked up a flakey pastry that was drizzled with thick chocolate sauce and took a large bite. Licking the small flakes off her lips she turned to Thane, “Where in the world did you find this?” He gave her a mysterious smile, but said nothing. She laughed and shook her head, “Well, it’s delicious. Thank you.”

He gathered his own food and nodded deeply to her, “Only the best for my Siha.”

She gave him a smile that melted his heart, “That’s why I have you.”

Thane inhaled sharply, but not loud enough she could hear it. He was not deserving of this. There was a small part of him that wanted to get up and leave, end whatever this was with her before it could hurt her. As if on cue, Shepard stretched with her arms up, causing her back to arch away from the couch and her shirt to ride up. A white patterned ring hung from her navel and her hip bones were just a hair too prominent. With a sigh she relaxed back into her seat and glanced over to him. She flashed him that smile that only he ever got to see and her tired eyes brightened with a faint lavender hue. No, he wasn’t going anywhere. She scooted herself over to him and leaned in closer.

“Something wrong, love?”

“Nothing, Siha.”

“Mmm, good.” She kissed the ridges of his neck softly. He purred his pleasure. She pulled back before he could wrap an arm around her. She frowned, “Unfortunately, we have work to do. A dead Reaper to find. A galaxy to save. You know the usual.”

“For you, perhaps.”

She gave him another heart melting grin and moved to strap on her armor.

.................... 

The Reaper was hot. Thane didn’t mind the heat, but it appeared Shepard did. Her eyes were slightly glazed when they weren’t shooting the innumerable husks and her hair was matted to her neck with sweat. When he asked her about it, she had waved him off, saying it wasn’t important. They couldn’t grab the IFF and get out of there quick enough, according to her. But the IFF wasn’t the only thing they were leaving with…

Thane was waiting in the mess for Shepard to join him. They had finished the mission debrief and she had gone to check in with the doctor about her developing condition. The doors hissed opened and he turned toward the sound. His eyes widened in shock.

“Thane, this is Legion.”

“You named the geth, Siha?”

“Incorrect. EDI offered the name. We accepted.” Legion moved its face plates.

Shepard smiled, “Yeah, but it fits. We’re going to help him…them take care of some heretics.”

“I see.”

“Make yourself at home, Legion. If anyone tries to shoot you, let me know. And try not to kill them.”

“Acknowledged.”

“Great. I’ll be in my cabin if I’m needed.”

She waved over her shoulder at the geth and headed to the elevator. Thane followed closely after her. Once the elevator doors closed, she leaned against him and sighed.

“If you told me two years ago that I would have my own geth, I would have told you to share whatever happy pills you were on. Honestly, I’m just not surprised anymore.”

He hummed thoughtfully against her hair.

“He’s different, you know.”

“He?”

“Legion. He told me about this rift that the Reapers created in his people. The heretics asked to be given the future but the geth know that’s not how it’s supposed to work.”

“How does a species that has a networked intelligence reach different conclusions?”

“It’s just a different way to look at it. Legion described it as the geth say two is more than one where the heretics say three is more than two, or something like that. He said the geth understand why the heretics felt the way they did, which is why it was a peaceful split.”

“I see.”

“At least one of us does.”

He swept her into his arms and carried her into her cabin. She gave a surprised squeak and wrapped her arms around his neck.  He gave a rumble of contentment that vibrated her chest and shoulders. With another surprised squeak from Shepard, he gently tossed her on the bed before joining her in one swift motion. She rolled onto her stomach and propped her head on her hands.

“How are you feeling, love?”

“As well as ever, Siha. What did the doctor say?” It took a conscious effort for Thane to keep a grimace off his face.

Shepard sighed, “About what we expected. It’s getting worse. My lungs are weakening and the nerves in my back are going into a state of hypersensitivity. My fingers and toes are going numb and my memory is going to start declining. The good news is that I feel none of it.”

She said it with such detachment that she could have been discussing the stars out of the skylight or the pattern on her sheets. It was clinical and cold, but not without hope. Thane watched her for a moment. She didn’t appear distressed or upset by the news, nor was she angry. She seemed to be taking it in stride, doing what she could to fight yet another impossible foe. Her eyes flicked from the ship display case to him and she smiled wearily. She didn’t want pity or anger from him. She just wanted him, even if he was still unsure as to why.

“And you will tell me when you do feel it?” Thane gently pushed her onto her back and hovered over her.

“If I remember to by then,” Shepard grinned.

.................... 

Fingers tangled in her hair and elbows digging into the mess hall table was how Thane found Shepard that morning. They had parted ways the night before, each with things to see to and not able to accompany the other. He lay his hand gently on her shoulder and she gave such a start that she nearly fell out of the chair.

“Christ, Thane. Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

He had yet to sneak up on her, due to her cybernetic hearing. Why had she not heard him this time? “My apologies, Siha.”

“Sorry, it’s fine. I’m just jumpy today.”

He looked at her doubtfully. She forced a small smile. “Siha.”

“Really, I’m fine. My back is sore. That’s the worst of it, promise.”

With another searching look, he sighed and kissed her forehead. “You worry me, Siha.”

“I know. Not much I can do about it, since you worry when I sleep.” She gave him a teasing smile.

“With good reason.”

“Uh-huh.” She rolled her eyes. “I was just getting ready to see Samara. Wanna come?”

Thane looked curiously at her. She had taken to meditating with the Justicar on a daily basis, but never invited him to join. Not that he minded, as it gave him time for his own meditations and to record messages to his son. He nodded deeply and followed her to the observation deck. Samara stood to greet them.

“Shepard. Thane.”

“Samara,” Shepard smiled. Thane bowed.

“Please, sit.” The asari took a seat slightly off center of the window and Shepard mirrored her on the other side. Thane took a spot on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees. He stared at the black expanse of space in front of him and let his mind free to wander. He had no intention of actually meditating yet. There were few times when Shepard was unguarded and it was these moments when she looked the most beautiful. He wasn’t going to miss another glimpse of her at peace.

Thane had to control his instincts to leap behind the couch when Shepard took on an eerie glow, not blue, but green. It filled her eyes and covered her body to come to a swirling mass between her hands. A quick glance at Samara showed she was in the exact same position, not at all concerned. Her hair floated around her face and did nothing to disturb her. She was lost in a time of her own and it was the most surreal thing he had ever seen. He suddenly felt like he was intruding. One last look and he turned his gaze to the stars.

Shepard died in space.

That thought made his chest tighten. He wasn’t sure what triggered that, but suddenly he was swept up in a memory of watching her struggle for air as her suit vented oxygen into the void. He blinked rapidly as he came back to himself. A shudder ran down his spine despite his best efforts to control it. Maybe watching that vid was a bad idea. He forced his mind away from those thoughts and focused on his favorite passages from his prayer book instead.

Thane hadn’t the slightest idea how long they sat there, only that Jack joined them at some point and Shepard never moved. After an impossibly long time, she took a deep breath, breaking her trance. He sat straight and watched her close her eyes and take a few more deep breaths before standing and making her way to the door. He followed her without a word.

In the elevator, Shepard leaned against him and he put an arm around her waist.

“She knows.”

“How?”

“She’s a thousand year old Justicar, Thane. She guessed. But she doesn’t know everything, just that I’m not well.”

“I see.”

“She taught me how to do that with the Prothean energy. It helps.”

Thane kissed her neck, “Good.”

“Mmm, Thane?”

“Yes, Siha?”

“You should stop that.”

“Might I ask why?” He grazed her with his teeth.

“You know, I can’t remember why.” She tilted her head farther back to give him better access. He cupped the back of her neck in one hand and let the other trail along her ribs. She responded by wrapping one leg around him and pulling him closer. “Have you ever noticed how slow this thing is?”

He chuckled against her lips, “A minor inconvenience.”


End file.
